Sunday, December 14, 2008

Strange Dream

Last night I had an oddly significant dream... I was at a halloween party with a bunch of people I didn't recognize, but apparently they were my friends. I was wearing my costume (it was pretty outlandish this year, haha), and was sitting on a couch drinking with a friend. Somebody took a picture of us, and I guess, in the picture, my shirt and bra completely disintegrated so that I appeared topless. 

See, the strange thing with me and nudity is, I don't care if people around me decide to take of their clothes, but I could never do the same. I would never let anyone see my bare chest, I would feel completely vulnerable and uncomfortable, even despite my friends being the complete opposite. 

In the dream, I found out a little while later that I was naked in this photo, and was flabbergasted. I remember all these guys from that party laughing at the photo and showing all their friends. I remember even having a conversation with a close friend:

"by the way, my boyfriend thinks you're hot."
" it because of that photo?"
"well, yeah!"

I just found it so significant because it seems to be a metaphor for my whole high school finding out I had Asperger's. This happened sometime around my junior year. I do whatever I can to hide the worst parts of it and make it easier to manage (hence, the bra I was wearing in the dream), but once it was exposed all of that didn't matter anymore, it was out there, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Furthermore, it changed the perspective of how everyone interpreted anything I said - they learned not to take anything seriously.   

Now, I've gained the necessary skills to hide most of my Asperger's (except to those I can trust), but I have to watch my behavior at all times. I hope to succeed one day, but I don't want to live the rest of my life in hiding. I don't want to live as a lie - I want to fully be myself. I'm hoping to get there, just so somebody can say they have. 

I'd like to be honest about myself for once. I'm female,  I'm 19 years old, and I have Asperger's Syndrome. And if you don't like that then you can all go fuck yourselves.

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