I had my work review today.

It was fine... I expected my boss to be a little tough since it's an internship, and a learning experience. So that's okay.

The thing I've noticed is that in every work related situation I've been told I need to improve my listening abilities. That was their main comment. If I'm working under a team of supervisors I need to be able to retain what is told to me or else it is frustrating to the person I am working with, and a waste of their time if I have to constantly ask questions. When we move into crunch time i have a feeling that someone is going to snap at me because of my inability to process what they are telling me.

My boss commented that I often get distracted when people are giving me directions, or I'll look around, or even look away. I don't do this intentionally, I just have trouble absorbing auditory information. I've been this way my entire life, and while people take it offensively, I simply explain that this is how my brain works and it is not meant to be rude. I've often thought that I wouldn't mind being deaf, as I can communicate visually far better than verbally. Unfortunately, this isn't the way the world works, so I must adapt.

I've found taking notes and drawing pictures to be helpful, but I sometimes forget to do this, and I often wonder if I am taking notes correctly, or if my notes are even reliable. I need to make this note-taking a habit. I feel like simply taking notes isn't enough though- and while yes, I am here to learn, I worry that this shortcoming will prevent me from holding down a job in the future. If I plan on financially supporting myself and living a stable life I must work through this. I just don't know how.

I would really like to work for this company once my internship is over, but I hope I don't alienate myself from every company like this in my area. I hope I am not making myself appear inept. I have skills, and I am working on learning more, but I feel like I am not taken seriously because I ask so many questions, because I want to do things correctly. While it's good that I have another year to learn these things, I worry I am working myself into a hole. I worry these experiences will simply make me realize I am unemployable. I don't want to be a hassle to anyone.

I know it will be okay if I really buckle down, but I have enough to worry about- I just want to progress from here. I don't know if I can handle too much stress right now. I just want things to go smoothly.

Other Aspies and visual types, what are some tricks to help you absorb and process information?

A conversation

Back at school, in my studio.

E: I remember I had to get ed services all through school for my learning disabilities.

B: Yeah, me too. I had to get help with my ADHD. I still have trouble concentrating sometimes in class.

Me: I do too. I had an ed plan for grade school, but it got terminated during my later years of high school. I probably should have kept it going, I'm sure I could have used a lot of help with it.

B: Do you also have ADHD? I feel like we're very similar.

Me: Well, not exactly. I had issues with paying attention and processing information.

B: So you're just Pink, then. (NOTE: PINK= filler for my real name)

Me: Hahaha yeah, I guess you could say that.

Point being? It doesn't matter what your diagnosis is. ADHD can mean two completely different things for two different people, as can Asperger's. I don't even really tell anyone anymore that I have Asperger's except when discussing my past with a close friend. I figure if I make jokes about being eccentric and spaced out then they'll probably get it. I don't need to make excuses for who I am - this shows shame (at least I think so). I just want to be treated as everybody else.

While a diagnosis can be helpful, it doesn't have to define you. You are not a condition; the condition is merely a facet of your many wonderful and unique traits. Uniqueness is something that should be celebrated. Plus, where's the feeling of pride in seeking sympathy?

Enjoy life. You deserve it.

Kickboxing = Death Sentence

Today I tried kickboxing. My friend encouraged me to join her, since it's an exercise class that she loves... Let's just say I lack the coordination for it. It's too fast for me, and mid-air punching to the sound of a dude belching over Lady Gaga songs isn't my cup of tea.

Perhaps this is because I'd never done it before, but it was too fast - I spent half the time watching the instructor and standing there like some idiot. Plus, the moves come up too fast, and I have NO CLUE what I am supposed to expect. Granted, we did end up doing some yoga moves at the end, but the bouncing techno prevented me from truly relaxing.

My neurologist first encouraged me to start exercising again to ease my headaches and exhaustion, because he said I wouldn't feel any better unless I try it. I'm pretty content doing yoga or some sort of meditative exercise, like running, because it can be done more or less at your own pace. While this isn't the case with yoga, it is so slow that I have no trouble keeping up. It also helps me with my anxiety.

Kickboxing, on the other hand, is like asking for a panic attack. My brain gets overloaded so easily that the hyperactive remixes of radio songs aren't exactly helping me. I'll admit that it was a good workout, but I don't think I'll be going back. It's too much for me, and I'm just not cut out for it.

Aspies, what do you like to do for exercise?

Awkward Non-Aspies, Part II

In continuation with a recent post, Don't Forget, I've decided to revisit the theme of neurotypical people with awkward or strange tendencies.

Miranda

Miranda is a girl I've known since we were toddlers. Our mothers are best friends, so it was expected that we would be, as well. Miranda is a few months older than me, and I remember her house was like a second home to me growing up. Miranda's mother is a wonderful person, very warm and welcoming- she would give up everything for the sake of your comfort. When we were moving they opened up their house to us for a good part of a summer. With such a nice family, I wonder where Miranda's bitter disposition came from.

I remember playing Power Rangers with her and her brother, and I was always shafted - though I wanted to be the Pink Ranger, Miranda always insisted on being the Pink Ranger, while I was the Yellow Ranger. Nothing against the Yellow Ranger (she was pretty awesome), but any diplomatic friend would have happily taken turns.

There's one perfect word to describe Miranda: she's cold. In all of the time I've spent with her, I could never read her emotions. Strikingly beautiful, everything about her was sharp, like ice. Her speech inflection could cut around jagged corners and poke someone's eye out. Though I was isolated in a mental bubble due to my Asperger's, my presence was very warm and soft. Even as a child I was told I had a meditative, zen-like presence.

So out of convenience, I spent a lot of time at Miranda's house growing up. She was never the type of person you could just "hang out" with - we'd always have the TV on, or we'd be playing video games. There would be some outside distraction to build a wall between us. That was fine with me. I always liked going over her house because her mom would give me all the junk food my parents wouldn't let me eat. I remember happily filling up on sugar over there - I think this is why I now have an insatiable sweet tooth.

Still, the TV couldn't create a wall between us forever. Little by little I became aware of Miranda's personality. I could never understand her sarcasm, and she'd roll her eyes at me when I was confused. She'd respond to my clueless comments with snappy retorts, and of course this confused me. I know now that her mother had told her about my Asperger's, but Miranda didn't seem to be willing to give me a chance.

I did many extracurriculur activities with Miranda while we were growing up - Girl Scouts, Ballet, Soccer, Theater Camp. In our spare time there would be many awkward pauses in conversation with her. Though at the time, I hadn't mastered the art of non-awkward conversation (and I still have a long way to go), I didn't have that hard of a time making friends. I did manage to gain superficial friendships with a few bubbly theatre geeks - that type of friendship is one I could handle just fine. But when society forced kids into cliques, I had trouble.

The summer before my Sophomore year of high school, we were at that same theatre camp, and Miranda and I found ourselves friends with a group of girls. There were five of us, and my naivete was overwhelmed by their uninhibited cattiness. Our group even had a name, that's how bad it was. They would talk about other kids behind their backs. There was a group of kids who were decidedly different - one boy who I later learned was also an aspie, a girl with a speech impediment, and one girl who was painfully shy. These girls were brutal to them. I didn't partake in making fun of these kids, but I didn't defend them either. I regret this.

I remember being upset by the way the girls were treating the other kids. Even though I was friends with a few of the kids that my so-called "friends" made fun of, I felt a distinct separation between us because I was "in". This was the exact mentality that I hated - I remember being on the other side at my public school, I was the one being bullied! What sort of messed-up world is this?

In time, things came between us. I had started dating one of her friends from her school, Miranda got upset, and even after her friend and I broke up (it was short-lived, anyway), she continued to ignore me, and wouldn't respond to my efforts at being friendly. Though this was easy to ignore since I had moved to another town, it was frustrating. What was so different about Miranda? There was just something I couldn't put my finger on. Her friendships with people at school revolved around obnoxious jokes and loudness, while mine revolved around shared interests. She had found a close group of friends from her school, and though I was acquainted with some of them and welcome to hang out with them, I still felt largely out of place.

We ended up growing apart, but it isn't something I regret. We'd occasionally talk throughout college, but Miranda remained her flat, emotionless self. To this day I have no clue if Miranda was consciously mean, or if she was just lacking emotion and warmth. Hell, I couldn't even tell if she was just cold or if I was turning her away with my awkwardness. Regardless of the cause of our drift, I am now aware of the type of person I get along with, and growing up with Miranda has helped me realize what traits that person has.

While I wish Miranda happiness, she isn't someone I will be turning to in times of distress. I have much warmer and more deserving friends for that. That's just life.

Rex, the Musical Savant

This is a wonderful story of how an individual's strengths can more than make up for their shortcomings. Compassion and patience are the building blocks of success. Who's to say that Rex is impaired?

I believe Rex will discover a rich future full of beautiful, original music. He will be able to find his way through the world through texture and noise. When you can perceive so much, the areas in which you are lacking don't really matter. I wish Rex and his mother all the love and happiness in the world.

Don't Forget

Non-Aspies have awkward moments too!

I know a lot of people who tend to say or do things that make another person uncomfortable. This will happen completely on accident. There are different types of these:

The people who lack a sensor: My friend Emma is completely inappropriate, but so adorable and hilarious that you really don't care. She loves to slap her friend's asses, or give "boob kisses", and a typical comment from her will be (if your shirt is wet), "aww, you look like you're lactating!" (meant affectionately, mind you.)

When I first met Emma, I was completely taken aback by her bluntness, but then realized that some of the unspoken social rules in our society don't make sense. Plus, spending time with her is exciting - it's refreshing to drop all of the filters you are used to accumulating in everyday interactions. It's nice to have a friend who regularly challenges these rules, whether she realizes it or not!

The people who lack boundaries: two of my roommates started cleaning my room when I wasn't home and a potential subletter was coming over that night. Neither of them are on the Autism Spectrum. All I did was politely explain to them that it was an invasion of personal space, and to either wait for me or let me know if they feel compelled to do this in the future.

While their actions did make me uncomfortable, it made me realize: non-aspies mess up too. Social awkwardness is universal. Who cares?

A person's unique disposition: I have a classmate, Ashley, who is not like other girls I know. As far as I know she doesn't have Asperger's, but her personality is very unique when compared to the rest of my peers. She is very mellow, has a smooth-sounding voice, and always appears very relaxed. Almost every statement she makes ends with a laugh (amused? uncomfortable? I can't really tell.) and a sigh. There are occasionally awkward pauses in conversation with her, but when spending time with her I generally feel like I am in good company, as she is very pleasant to be around.

A number of my peers have attempted to explain Ashley's eccentricities. Some have stated that it's based on her geographic origin, as the majority of us are local, and our city is notorious for being obnoxious, uptight, and constantly stressed.

I don't know why Ashley is so unique, but it's nice to see someone who is so pleasantly calm all the time. I once had a conversation with her about being a design student, and the stresses that go along with it. She told me, "I've never had to think so much about things as I have this year." - followed by her trademark laugh and sigh, of course. I understood how she felt completely - could it be anxiety, general stress? Who knows?

The fact is, as much as we like to pretend, no one has everything together. Other people also question things constantly, and worry a lot. Though my psychiatrist likes to attribute this trait of mine to having Asperger's, I attribute it to being an American. We're stressed people! It's really an issue if everyone from a culture feels this way. I think we should work on trying to fix the culture from the inside and not the individuals.

There are other people like us: My friend Bobby is one in a million. I also think he has Asperger's, but I don't tend to dwell on this possibility - we are all unique, after all. Another friend described him as a "friendly floater" - he is acquaintances with everyone, but is not particularly close with any one group of people. Whether he realizes it or not, he is defying our culture's basis for social standards, which I think is really awesome.

Bobby is the master of the calm, one-sided speech. He loves to talk. He has a really great baritone-esque voice- he would make a great voice actor - but he will talk nonstop about the most random things. He tends to have some awkward pauses here and there, and conversations with him don't tend to follow the typical vapid quality that I experience with most friends in passing (where the person acts like they care, but they really don't). Unfortunately, a lot of people are uncomfortable around Bobby, just because his presence makes you question our society's social rules. Lame, right?

The thing about Bobby, though, is that he is one of the most genuine people I know. He spends all of his time doing community service, helping people, giving without any expectation of his thoughtfulness being returned. He loves to bake food for all of his friends, and I feel like other people take his big heart for granted. He is very trusting, probably too trusting - I feel like he is very easily manipuated.

While it would be beneficial for him to learn to read people better, I think that it is nice to see that not all people are robots of one another, and that not all people try to be like everyone else. People like Bobby are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise clone-like society. I just hope that being aware of his presence will allow others to embrace their own eccentricities.

Moral of the story? NOT ALL AWKWARD PEOPLE ARE ASPIES. We are not the trademark of eccentric. Other people exist who are equally unique. Non-Aspies question social rules and feel as if they are awkward, too. The fact that people like this exist make me feel relieved.

Stay unique, everyone.

Social Commentary Through Fox's "Glee"

Okay, I'll admit it: I'm a total gleek. I adore this show, not just because the spontaneous songs remind me of my high school musical theatre days, or because of the silly humor, but because of the awareness of others that Glee is cultivating.

I believe Ryan Murphy's main goal in creating this show has to do with spreading the ideals of social justice. A lot of season 1 is based around Quinn's hardships in being a pregnant teen, while the majority of season 2 has dealt with the adversity Kurt has dealt with in being an openly gay teen in a midwestern town. Within these stories, there are plenty of smaller plots based around the need for self-acceptance and loving oneself.

The show has done a good job of bringing in characters of all different backgrounds, and while not every type of individual is represented, most every viewer will be able to find a character whom they can relate to. I can see a lot of myself in both Tina and Kurt. Even though Tina's character has been neglected this past season, I found myself hiding behind my shyness like she has, and it is nice to see her come out of her shell. With Kurt, I can relate a lot to the bullying storyline, as well as to the feeling of being impossibly different - In the episode Laryngitis, Kurt tried to put on an act of being a heterosexual, John Mellencamp fan, modeled after his father, but he realized that his efforts were futile, as this wasn't who he really was. I feel like my entire four years of high school consisted of me adopting different identities, trying to be someone I'm not. I'm sure everyone can relate to this story.

I know a lot of critics are angry at Glee for pushing the "liberal agenda", but tell me this: how is spreading hatred okay? I don't care if the bible tells you homosexuality is wrong. If it encourages the condemnation of any group then I don't care what book you're following, I will only see your hostility.

This show's critics need to understand that aside from the fluffy songs, these are experiences that real people go through at some point in their lives. If anything, we should be glad that such a show exists because it helps educate viewers on accepting others and oneself.

Glee doesn't look down on any characters for being different. Artie is seen as equal to the rest of the kids despite being paralyzed from the waist down- he's even able to play on the football team. Becky Jackson, a cheerleader who has Down's Syndrome, is treated with the same respect as any other student. The only character whose actions are discouraged against are those of Dave Karofsky's - but even then, his bullying is met with empathy, as well as hope that he can learn to accept his own homosexuality.

With all of this work toward social justice, though, it makes me wish for a character with Asperger's Syndrome. I know you can't have your cake and eat it too, but COME ON PRODUERS, MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Still in doubt of the good this show can do? Then check out this tumblr. Happy viewing!

Experiences and Cultural Perspective

I just had the most intense class discussion in my life. We were overviewing a case study involving some very uncomfortable, taboo subject matter and its involvement with the legal system. Perhaps I'll go into further detail at a later date, but it was nonetheless a very difficult subject to discuss, and I remember being at my feet the whole time wishing the situation in question could have been different.

Part of the case involves a woman making a decision about whether her son should plead guilty to challenge the immense charges placed against him, and she encouraged him to plead guilty because it would mean a lighter sentence, regardless of whether he was innocent or guilty. Many of my fellow classmates couldn't understand this, and tried to challenge the decision made with arguments such as, "she knows he's innocent; why doesn't he try to fight for justice?"

Also, among the difficult footage shown was an anonymous testimony of a victim to these crimes - desipte his face being blacked out, he seemed very relaxed to the point where it was unsettling. A bunch of us in class laughed, because his gestures and the way in which his body was formed was almost sexual in nature. In contradiction with the information he was giving in the interview, his body language was inappropriate, and, as a result of the discomfort in all of us, instilled laughter among my classmates.

One of my classmates- and I'll never forget this - actually challenged our responses. She spoke up, saying something along the lines of: "I just have to say that I'm ashamed of all of you. I don't understand why you're laughing at all of this - this is very disturbing footage, and being a mother myself, I feel compelled to think hard about what would be best for my child if I were in that situation instead of sitting back and laughing, detatching myself from the harsh reality of what these people are going through."

I could see the pain in her eyes, the emotion she was trying to hold back - it was a difficult thing to say, and I don't know if I could have done the same. At the end of the class, she even broke out in tears, feeling so hurt by how our culture has trained us to handle pain. At this moment, after years of feeling blank in life experience and emotional span, I've felt more compassion for somebody than I ever thought I'd be capable of. Compassion for the woman and her son, for my classmate who dared to speak up, for my fellow classmates and everyone around me, anyone who's ever hurt me or instilled emotion into me directly. It's there, and I've never been so certain of this until now.

This has brought many interesting thoughts in my mind. I've never thought much about how American society has taught us to respond to difficult things. Many of us lead such a comfortable life that we don't know what it would be like if something devastating happened to us. A lot of us are unable to place ourselves in others shoes, and so because we don't know how to respond, we laugh. Though it may be inappropriate, it's the only thing we can think of doing.

I think that, as a society, we need to be mindful of the fact that others may not have had the same experiences that we've had, and to think objectively about the social standards that are instilled in us at an early age. We need to question, "in my point of view, is this right?" rather than "is this what's acceptable at a societal standpoint?" These questions in themselves surround a lot of biases, but who's to say what's really right? It is not up to our peers and colleagues to make that call, it is up to us.

It is up to YOU to decide what you believe, whatever those beliefs are. So don't sell yourself short.

Blend in, or stand out?

There comes a time in the life of a society where the individuals living in it experience a tension in how they respond to their society. Stereotypes and differences seem to prevail, and those experiencing these differences are often pointed at and laughed at. Many responses from this treatment result: the few unique individuals attempt to conform, are faced with depression and many underlying psychological issues, or they simply cannot live in the society they are placed in - they band together with those that are like them to create their own mini-society, or they fall off the face of the Earth. 

In a time of change, however, when these differences are exposed, people must fight back - show your differences, how they affect you, and from these actions change will result. New acceptance will arrive on many different levels. It has happened in history for many different groups, and in time will happen for those on the Autism Spectrum. I know I've been putting a lot of stress on this lately, but believe me: with time, it will happen, things will change.

How do we know, though, when to give up trying to blend in with society and show who we really are?

I was diagnosed with Asperger's just years after it was accepted as a condition. I was force-fed therapy and behavioral training which molded me into the almost-"normal"-seeming girl I am today. If I tell people that I do, in fact, have Asperger's Syndrome, 75% of the time they won't believe me. "You seem so normal! You're going to be fine! I don't know why you're overreacting over your social discrepancies because you're likeable and you blend in socially." 

I don't buy this bullshit. I know I'm good at faking being Neurotypical, but the truth is, I feel so different inside. I'm so critical of my own mess-ups and I always feel like I'm putting on such a facade, to what - be like everyone else? Believe me, I'm only doing this for survival. I only followed through with my parent's demands so that I would be socially proficient enough to get a decent enough job that wouldn't leave me homeless and starving. I want to make enough money to express myself creatively, and that's really it. It's embedded in my brain that I should care about catering to everyone else, but you know what? I don't give a fuck about impressing anyone besides those who will contribute to my eventual survival (or lack thereof). I've been trained to not socially fuck up, but I'm only following through with what society expects of me because I don't like upsetting people with rude comments. I don't care if you don't like me because I unintentionally said something rude, I only care that I made you upset, because well, I don't like making anyone upset, it goes against my personal philosophy of peace and how people should interact with one another. 

Basically, I only make you happy because I believe that everybody should be happy.

I just got out of my Art History class, where we've been talking a lot about Identity Politics and social change. This all happens in the scope of modern art. Let's look at artists like Adrian Piper, who emphasized being African-American when she could pass herself off as white, and Kara Walker, whose work consists of exposing social stereotypes of race in large scale, to the point where it can be seen as highly offensive and even disgusting (I'm not going to provide specific examples here; Google their work if you'd like to learn more). These women use art to work through their issues with how society percieves them; shouldn't everybody find a means of doing that? At the same time, if we expose our differences, doesn't that go against all the work we're doing in an attempt to neutralize them? 

So, if society is inevitably going to change to accept those with neurological differences, should we speed up the process and expose our insecurities and personal feeling about Autism by exposing these traits which society has taught us to hide; or should we conform, and show that an Autistic individual can be "normal" as well? 

I know a lot of what I'm saying here may be contradictory, but I just have to get it off my chest. I had the hardest time sitting through that class because so many thoughts were racing through my head and fighting with one another. It's something I need to resolve. I know we can't predict the future, but how should we deal with things when Autism Spectrum disorders get more exposure? Should we conform with the rest of society or embrace our differences? For those of you reading this, I want to hear what you're thinking, because this doesn't just affect those with Autism, it affects any group of people who stand out. This affects everybody, which is why I think everyone needs a valid opinion on it - we need to act in some way, I'm just having trouble deciding how.