A conversation

Back at school, in my studio.

E: I remember I had to get ed services all through school for my learning disabilities.

B: Yeah, me too. I had to get help with my ADHD. I still have trouble concentrating sometimes in class.

Me: I do too. I had an ed plan for grade school, but it got terminated during my later years of high school. I probably should have kept it going, I'm sure I could have used a lot of help with it.

B: Do you also have ADHD? I feel like we're very similar.

Me: Well, not exactly. I had issues with paying attention and processing information.

B: So you're just Pink, then. (NOTE: PINK= filler for my real name)

Me: Hahaha yeah, I guess you could say that.

Point being? It doesn't matter what your diagnosis is. ADHD can mean two completely different things for two different people, as can Asperger's. I don't even really tell anyone anymore that I have Asperger's except when discussing my past with a close friend. I figure if I make jokes about being eccentric and spaced out then they'll probably get it. I don't need to make excuses for who I am - this shows shame (at least I think so). I just want to be treated as everybody else.

While a diagnosis can be helpful, it doesn't have to define you. You are not a condition; the condition is merely a facet of your many wonderful and unique traits. Uniqueness is something that should be celebrated. Plus, where's the feeling of pride in seeking sympathy?

Enjoy life. You deserve it.

The Good Things About Being Socially Awkward: Fewer Unwanted Interactions

One thing I don't like is how other people have been brainwashed by society. Granted, one of the main keys to a successful life is companionship. It may not be in the same form for everybody, and it is important to be respectful of this fact, but the relationships with the people we care about bring significance to our lives- Aspie or not.

The frustrating thing is, however, how people assume you are unhappy if you are not in a romantic relationship. I constantly have people question why I am not in a relationship. My response to them is always the same: I don't know why I'm not, but I don't need to be in one to be happy. I love my job, I love my family and friends, I graduated at the top of my class, and I have a lot to look forward to. I don't need a significant other to validate my existence.

One thing that I'm beginning to realize though, is that I may be asexual. I'm trying to grapple with this fact, and realize whether I'm actually asexual or if I just have an aversion to sexually-intended interactions. I tried telling this to a friend, and she immediately responded with, "no, you're not asexual". But I think I am. I don't crave sex, I just crave affection and companionship. I still have crushes, and I may be sexually active someday, but it won't be the end of the world if I'm not.

Because of this, and the fact that I've only had one boyfriend (I don't even know if it counts), I am very awkward around the opposite sex. I never know what to say, and at first I find it stressful, but then realize that it may be a blessing in disguise. Plus, it's not my fault if a guy only wants one thing, right? Once I realize his intentions, I immediately become cold. It's like a switch that turns off in my head. If I see a guy glancing at my chest, staring at me too much and smiling excessively, or using a bad pick-up line, I become uncomfortable and distance myself. I look down, close myself off, and begin responding with short, flat sentences. This is like a reflex that I have no control over. In a few minutes the guy gets the message and backs off.

Some people may be frustrated by this, but I feel like it's a blessing in disguise. Granted, it's made me extremely uncomfortable around men, but I feel lucky. I don't need to worry about birth control. As of now, it is also impossible for me to get knocked up or contract an STD. I say "as of now" because, who knows? I may want sex in the future, I just don't right now. But let me tell you, it's such a load off. I used to know a girl who would have a panic attack every week about how she thought she was pregnant. I also know people who have had children far too early in life that were "mistakes". I may be jumping ahead of myself here, but it's nice to not have to worry about that happening to me.

Also, being socially awkward will help protect me against unwanted sexual situations. Granted, if a person wants to rape then they will, but in my case some of the interactions leading up to that point are virtually nonexistent. Of course, protecting yourself and being educated are extremely important, I'm not lessening the significance of this. I'm just stating that awkwardness can serve as a barrier from unwanted interactions, which can be a wonderful thing.

I know some people will tell me that I'm missing out on a lot by not dating, but let me tell you, I just don't care. I don't feel like I'm missing out on much. Does that mean that I will never be sexually active? Maybe, maybe not. I'm not closed off to the idea in the future, but I just don't want it right now. Do I question my intentions constantly? Absolutely. Nothing is definite, things can change. All I know is that as far as I can tell, my standoffishness protects me from unwanted situations. At least, it has thus far, and this is something that I am very fortunate for.

So, regardless of what people tell you, it is okay to be awkward! It can even be a good thing. Embrace it! However, as an extra method of protection it is important to be educated. Here are some links that are useful:

Scarleteen

Planned Parenthood

S0, read up, and be aware of interactions. Respect yourselves, do your best to understand what you need, and if something unfortunate does happen, then don't be afraid to talk about it. And if you get in an unwanted interaction, then don't be afraid to move into awkward mode. Hell, if you really don't want to talk, then just throw 'em the face!

Ridiculous, but same idea. Enjoy, and love yourselves!

Rex, the Musical Savant

This is a wonderful story of how an individual's strengths can more than make up for their shortcomings. Compassion and patience are the building blocks of success. Who's to say that Rex is impaired?

I believe Rex will discover a rich future full of beautiful, original music. He will be able to find his way through the world through texture and noise. When you can perceive so much, the areas in which you are lacking don't really matter. I wish Rex and his mother all the love and happiness in the world.

Don't Forget

Non-Aspies have awkward moments too!

I know a lot of people who tend to say or do things that make another person uncomfortable. This will happen completely on accident. There are different types of these:

The people who lack a sensor: My friend Emma is completely inappropriate, but so adorable and hilarious that you really don't care. She loves to slap her friend's asses, or give "boob kisses", and a typical comment from her will be (if your shirt is wet), "aww, you look like you're lactating!" (meant affectionately, mind you.)

When I first met Emma, I was completely taken aback by her bluntness, but then realized that some of the unspoken social rules in our society don't make sense. Plus, spending time with her is exciting - it's refreshing to drop all of the filters you are used to accumulating in everyday interactions. It's nice to have a friend who regularly challenges these rules, whether she realizes it or not!

The people who lack boundaries: two of my roommates started cleaning my room when I wasn't home and a potential subletter was coming over that night. Neither of them are on the Autism Spectrum. All I did was politely explain to them that it was an invasion of personal space, and to either wait for me or let me know if they feel compelled to do this in the future.

While their actions did make me uncomfortable, it made me realize: non-aspies mess up too. Social awkwardness is universal. Who cares?

A person's unique disposition: I have a classmate, Ashley, who is not like other girls I know. As far as I know she doesn't have Asperger's, but her personality is very unique when compared to the rest of my peers. She is very mellow, has a smooth-sounding voice, and always appears very relaxed. Almost every statement she makes ends with a laugh (amused? uncomfortable? I can't really tell.) and a sigh. There are occasionally awkward pauses in conversation with her, but when spending time with her I generally feel like I am in good company, as she is very pleasant to be around.

A number of my peers have attempted to explain Ashley's eccentricities. Some have stated that it's based on her geographic origin, as the majority of us are local, and our city is notorious for being obnoxious, uptight, and constantly stressed.

I don't know why Ashley is so unique, but it's nice to see someone who is so pleasantly calm all the time. I once had a conversation with her about being a design student, and the stresses that go along with it. She told me, "I've never had to think so much about things as I have this year." - followed by her trademark laugh and sigh, of course. I understood how she felt completely - could it be anxiety, general stress? Who knows?

The fact is, as much as we like to pretend, no one has everything together. Other people also question things constantly, and worry a lot. Though my psychiatrist likes to attribute this trait of mine to having Asperger's, I attribute it to being an American. We're stressed people! It's really an issue if everyone from a culture feels this way. I think we should work on trying to fix the culture from the inside and not the individuals.

There are other people like us: My friend Bobby is one in a million. I also think he has Asperger's, but I don't tend to dwell on this possibility - we are all unique, after all. Another friend described him as a "friendly floater" - he is acquaintances with everyone, but is not particularly close with any one group of people. Whether he realizes it or not, he is defying our culture's basis for social standards, which I think is really awesome.

Bobby is the master of the calm, one-sided speech. He loves to talk. He has a really great baritone-esque voice- he would make a great voice actor - but he will talk nonstop about the most random things. He tends to have some awkward pauses here and there, and conversations with him don't tend to follow the typical vapid quality that I experience with most friends in passing (where the person acts like they care, but they really don't). Unfortunately, a lot of people are uncomfortable around Bobby, just because his presence makes you question our society's social rules. Lame, right?

The thing about Bobby, though, is that he is one of the most genuine people I know. He spends all of his time doing community service, helping people, giving without any expectation of his thoughtfulness being returned. He loves to bake food for all of his friends, and I feel like other people take his big heart for granted. He is very trusting, probably too trusting - I feel like he is very easily manipuated.

While it would be beneficial for him to learn to read people better, I think that it is nice to see that not all people are robots of one another, and that not all people try to be like everyone else. People like Bobby are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise clone-like society. I just hope that being aware of his presence will allow others to embrace their own eccentricities.

Moral of the story? NOT ALL AWKWARD PEOPLE ARE ASPIES. We are not the trademark of eccentric. Other people exist who are equally unique. Non-Aspies question social rules and feel as if they are awkward, too. The fact that people like this exist make me feel relieved.

Stay unique, everyone.

Aspie to NT, and Back Again

Be polite. Don't talk behind a person's back. Have a firm handshake. Learn to properly recognize the occurence of sarcasm and jokes. Learn to deliver sarcasm and jokes in an appropriate manner. Play coy. Don't butt into places you're not wanted. Don't drag the conversation down. Don't be a hermit. Don't draw unnecessary attention to yourself - hide that which makes you different.

As an Aspie in a Neurotypical world, I've had to, along with numerous other folks, learn how to blend in and not put a spotlight on my differences. From the outside I am what appears to be a perfectly average young woman, molded to a counter-culture which has become the norm (we're all hipsters here, espescially if you attend my school). I listen to alternative music with the occasional ironic hip-hop; I buy clothing from secondhand stores and H&M; I enjoy making fun of Justin Bieber and Ke$ha but am secretly fascinated by them - aren't we all?

To put it bluntly, I'm about as unique as a molecule of salt on a Big Mac. The only thing separating me from the rest of the world is the way my brain functions, and even that barrier is slowly starting to break down. My attractive appearance and (learned) pleasant disposition have either cancelled out my social mishaps, or have given me new opportunities to learn the ropes of socializing in an appropriate manner.

Though we all may moan about how our lives suck, I've been dealt a good hand, I guess.

In all of my learned appropriateness, however, the thing that haunts me to this day is the memory of being bullied. Yes, there was a time when I was disliked: death threats, harrassment, cyberbullying, you name it. I've been picked on for every feature on my body, every strange interest and/or social mishap, every honest mistake I've ever publicly made. Shit happens, you know how it goes. Everyone has their own sob story, and mine is no different from yours.

Perhaps my internal optimist stepped in, though, because while parents and teachers and therapists and guidance counselors and school officials were trying to change the structure of the school to make things easier for me, I wanted to relieve them of this pressure and change myself to fit in with my pre-existing environment. I resisted every accommodation that was made for me and instead turned myself into a chameleon.

Now, being socially malleable isn't so bad. I work well on teams and like to think that I am able to adapt to many social situations easily. I often appear eager and friendly. Being this way has made me flexible but flimsy - always wanting to please everybody but never having a backbone. Since I've taught myself to "go with the flow", I am often indecisive and may end up doing things that are unrealistic, or that I don't want to do.

Individuals who are bullied often take two routes: become severely depressed, or fight back with kindness. I've chosen the latter. While it is an arguably more pleasant and humane thing to do, falling under the teachings of virtue and goodness of most religions, I now realize I have set myself up for repulsion. I've become so sickeningly sweet that I repel many of my peers. I hold a strict moral code: never talk negatively about a person; never partake in the spreading of rumors; and never cheat, steal from, or deceive another person.

Though I've managed to protect myself from bullying, I've also managed to protect myself from having a fulfilling life, always living in the shadows of my fears, afraid to offend. I fear being an abrasive, obnoxious individual - but aren't those the people who get the furthest?

I need to re-learn some of my Aspie tendencies. Maybe I shouldn't shy away from talking about the Super Mario games if they're something I'm really passionate about. Besides, who the fuck cares how odd I am, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone? Such outspokenness will teach me to be more assertive, so I can maybe talk my way into getting a promotion at work or avoid being given bitch work because I'm so damn "easygoing".

It has taken me years to acquire the social understanding I have today. As far as outward appearances go, I've gone from Aspie to NT. Now, I think it's time to regress back to being the oddball. I'd rather things be that way.

Guys, we've got it good. Don't forget it.

An Open Letter

Dear Freshman Year Roommate,

Hi, it's been a while. I know you're about to transition into a new chapter of your life that you're far too young for, but I just wanted to tell you that I came to a conclusion about the time we lived together.

Yes - two years ago. That dreaded year. We were both new to college, neither of us knew anyone. I was friendly, you told me outright that you were a loner. I'm a loner too, so that was fine with me. Little did I know that "I'm a loner" translated to "I'm a loner because I dwell on my problems and create new ones for others."

That didn't stop me from trying to be your friend. Though I was a horrible roommate, I made countless efforts to be considerate, ask you how your day went- I even make you a sweet birthday present. I was determined to be a good friend, despite your efforts at being a bad one. I never you would perceive that behavior as a nuisance.

Well, guess what? You're THE ONLY one who saw my friendliness as a nuisance. Now, I know my constant doting affection may have seemed inappropriate at times, especially when you were rude to me. I can't tell if this was my Asperger's or sheer determination taking control here, nor do I care. I don't know if your misfortune or constant negativity are to blame for your rudeness, but moping and whining won't get you anywhere. Who cares if all you see in life is pain? YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THAT. Grab life by the balls. What goes around comes around, my dear.

I just wanted to thank you. After two years of constantly worrying about something that was long past, about someone I'll never have to see again, I've finally realized, that: despite the fact that living with you was an absolute nightmare, I now know that I should never settle for having shitty people in my life. I better understand that if something sucks, GET OUT OF IT. Being helplessly dragged around doesn't pay off in the long run. Furthermore, because I trudged through the dreaded misfortune of living with you, I know now how to NOT treat people, and I know how to be a wonderful roommate. This is why I hadn't had a negative rooming situation in the two years after I lived with you.

Because I lived with you, I better understand how to make the most out of the relationships I have in my life. Because of the respect I treat others with, I have wonderful friends, and my life isn't nearly as painful as it could have turned out. I also have a better understanding of who is a true friend and who isn't, and who to treat with the respect and good fortune I love to spread around.

I'm pleased to report that in all of my 21 years, I've never been happier, and things are just looking up. I don't know if I'd be in such a great state if I hadn't lived with you. Sure, it sucked, but I'm a better person than I've ever been. And even though, based on the way you treat people, you're probably subject to a life of misery and pain; I hope you've learned something beneficiary from living with me, even if it does equate to "avoid bubbly liberal-minded girls who want to be your friend." If you perceive that as an important life lesson for yourself, then good for you. To each her own, my friend.

In summary, we learn from our mistakes. I now know who to embrace and who to avoid from having spent time with you. Isn't life great?

Wishing you happiness, even if your pain is your happiness-

Pink

Cheesy, inspiring personal journey update.... yup, one of those.

Fact: I need some self-esteem.

All these years of feeling inadequate have finally caught up with me... having a harder time reading people my entire life has left me feeling like a misfit, as if there's something wrong with me. It's left me without the confidence to properly experience what life has to offer.

I don't know what it is, but I think I'm finally getting there.

I think what's going on is I'm finally coming to terms with my flaws and will (eventually, hopefully) not let them stand in my way anymore.

I guess the lesson is, here, that if something's holding you back, then you need to discover the source of your insecurities and change what you will to eradicate that obstacle. On What Not to Wear (one of my favorite shows), it's often insecurity that manifests in unflattering decisions. In my case, it's insecurity which manifests itself through me hiding from life, out of fear... Like those women on the show, I can't be afraid anymore.

If you haven't seen What Not To Wear, it's on TLC, and it's far more than a mindless reality TV show. Contestants are actually taught to understand what's holding them back, and how they can improve their lives: It's about far more than just learning how to wear the right clothes. This show is great because it really allows us to see others gain confidence within themselves. Maybe we can all learn by example.

So, the lesson here?

1. Watch What Not To Wear.

2. Do what you can to eradicate your fears.

I'll let you guys know if I ever get there.

Bob Dylan's got it right!

This song is completely relevant, even today.

I'm sure you've heard it before, but I felt like it was necessary to post.

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

What is Asperger's were viewed as a strength?

Today I came across this article:

The Discovery of Aspie Criteria

It presents us with a wonderful thought: what if Asperger's were viewed in light of its strengths and not its weaknesses?

If this were the case, Asperger's Syndrome would have to be removed from the DSM-IV - it wouldn't be a disability anymore, which I really don't think it is to begin with. Individuals with Asperger's have helped to push advances in technology along so far, and have provided countless contributions to society, including those that are literary, technological and artistic.

Sure, Asperger's does have its weaknesses - a lack in social ability, stimming (possibly?) and motor clumsiness are a few. But with fascinations that often lead to a career, excellent study habits, a thriving persistence on whatever absorbs attention, and absolute honesty and loyalty, difficulties in social skills are nothing compared to the strengths that having Asperger's Syndrome can provide. Whenever a new advancement is made in years to come, there's a good chance that an Aspie will be behind it. Michelangelo, Albert Einstein, Thomas Jefferson, Mozart, Isaac Newton, the list goes on and on (for an extensive list of famous Aspies, click here).

Espescially in an age of watered-down culture, reality TV and cheap thrills, the unique mind of an Aspie is something to treasure. While many are forced to conform (I'll admit it - despite my weirdness, I have conformed to some degree), their minds are still intact, filled with innovative accomplishments and imaginative ideas. If we can hold onto this uniqueness, then great things will follow us. If such touchstones in our culture were created out of thin air by the quirky kids who may have been ridiculed in grade school, then we must be onto something great.

Though having Asperger's is very stressful, I've finally learned to see it from a whole new perspective. Maybe you will too, if you haven't already? To whoever cares to read this, I'm sure you possess something magnificent up there. Do me a favor, and please treasure it. It will be worth it!

Fuck this shit, we're not disabled!

I know it's a burden, but please click on the link; these people won't let me embed the video. Sorry about this!

Foreign Tongue

Notice the condescending tone they're using? "AS is part of a spectrum of autistic disorders and is a lifelong developmental disability."

No, no, NO! It's only a disorder in that it deviates from the norm, and it certainly isn't a disability!

I decided to create this blog after hearing about the skewed perspective that is associated with the reputation of Asperger's Syndrome and other Autism Spectrum Syndromes. No, because I have this condition (notice the absence of the word disorder here? Well, you should!), it doesn't make me retarded, or mentally challenged in any way. On the contrary, most people with Asperger's have an above average IQ. We know a lot about the certain specific interests we have, we are enthusiastic learners, wonderful students who happen to perceive social interactions differently than the average, or "neurotypical" individual. 

Believe me, I've heard it all. During grade school I was fired at with every insult in existence and deemed a "freak". Many people experiencing AS have also dealt with this, and as a student who started school in the early '90s, AS was still being examined. In recent years, the number of children being diagnosed with Autism have increased by 119%; people are still learning about Autism and Asperger's alike, which is exciting to witness. Though existence can seem mundane, it's exciting to be a part of a new generation; our generation will be one to help map out the future for many others.

Coming from the first generation of young-adults who were diagnosed as children, I'm interested to see how AS manifests itself in us as the years continue. I was diagnosed at 5 years old and was treated for years afterwards. The fact that I was finally told of my diagnosis at age 14 forced me to become more aware of typical social behavior - I honestly learned the most through trial-and-error and through personal experience, by thinking, "this statement didn't get a positive response; I shouldn't say anything like it in the future." or "by using eye contact in this way I seem dishonest; I want people to see that I'm an honest individual, so I'll never do that again." Therapy and social groups did help as well. I know the constant treatment was a benefit for me, though I'm still strange in many ways.

Now, at 19, I've gotten to the point where one of my doctors says I can fake being neurotypical to the point where I wouldn't receive a diagnosis anymore. I don't agree with this, for my AS is still there - I'm still socially awkward, though not as much as if I hadn't pushed myself to communicate in so-called "normal" ways, and I can't handle stress very well, but I can control my symptoms and meltdowns better. I'm also decently dressed and I appear pretty normal, which, though it unfortunately clarifies the importance of image in our society, I've come to find that it really helps people take me seriously. I still struggle with social mess-ups, but now I'm able to recognize where I've messed up and how to prevent myself from making those mistakes in the future. It's a constant learning process, and though I still have a while to go, I've made a great deal of progress which I am pleased with. 

I may be criticized for this, but I believe that those with AS should embrace their uniqueness, while learning to communicate so that they can support themselves in the long run and not feel destroyed by social norms. There are ways to find suitable professions that work with our sensitivities, that maximize our talents and allow us to appreciate who we really are, quirks and all. 

This is my first time doing this sort of blog, so I encourage feedback in any way, shape or form. In fact, I'd love it if you gave me feedback!

I know we can beat the system! Who's with me?