A conversation

Back at school, in my studio.

E: I remember I had to get ed services all through school for my learning disabilities.

B: Yeah, me too. I had to get help with my ADHD. I still have trouble concentrating sometimes in class.

Me: I do too. I had an ed plan for grade school, but it got terminated during my later years of high school. I probably should have kept it going, I'm sure I could have used a lot of help with it.

B: Do you also have ADHD? I feel like we're very similar.

Me: Well, not exactly. I had issues with paying attention and processing information.

B: So you're just Pink, then. (NOTE: PINK= filler for my real name)

Me: Hahaha yeah, I guess you could say that.

Point being? It doesn't matter what your diagnosis is. ADHD can mean two completely different things for two different people, as can Asperger's. I don't even really tell anyone anymore that I have Asperger's except when discussing my past with a close friend. I figure if I make jokes about being eccentric and spaced out then they'll probably get it. I don't need to make excuses for who I am - this shows shame (at least I think so). I just want to be treated as everybody else.

While a diagnosis can be helpful, it doesn't have to define you. You are not a condition; the condition is merely a facet of your many wonderful and unique traits. Uniqueness is something that should be celebrated. Plus, where's the feeling of pride in seeking sympathy?

Enjoy life. You deserve it.

Kickboxing = Death Sentence

Today I tried kickboxing. My friend encouraged me to join her, since it's an exercise class that she loves... Let's just say I lack the coordination for it. It's too fast for me, and mid-air punching to the sound of a dude belching over Lady Gaga songs isn't my cup of tea.

Perhaps this is because I'd never done it before, but it was too fast - I spent half the time watching the instructor and standing there like some idiot. Plus, the moves come up too fast, and I have NO CLUE what I am supposed to expect. Granted, we did end up doing some yoga moves at the end, but the bouncing techno prevented me from truly relaxing.

My neurologist first encouraged me to start exercising again to ease my headaches and exhaustion, because he said I wouldn't feel any better unless I try it. I'm pretty content doing yoga or some sort of meditative exercise, like running, because it can be done more or less at your own pace. While this isn't the case with yoga, it is so slow that I have no trouble keeping up. It also helps me with my anxiety.

Kickboxing, on the other hand, is like asking for a panic attack. My brain gets overloaded so easily that the hyperactive remixes of radio songs aren't exactly helping me. I'll admit that it was a good workout, but I don't think I'll be going back. It's too much for me, and I'm just not cut out for it.

Aspies, what do you like to do for exercise?

The Good Things About Being Socially Awkward: Fewer Unwanted Interactions

One thing I don't like is how other people have been brainwashed by society. Granted, one of the main keys to a successful life is companionship. It may not be in the same form for everybody, and it is important to be respectful of this fact, but the relationships with the people we care about bring significance to our lives- Aspie or not.

The frustrating thing is, however, how people assume you are unhappy if you are not in a romantic relationship. I constantly have people question why I am not in a relationship. My response to them is always the same: I don't know why I'm not, but I don't need to be in one to be happy. I love my job, I love my family and friends, I graduated at the top of my class, and I have a lot to look forward to. I don't need a significant other to validate my existence.

One thing that I'm beginning to realize though, is that I may be asexual. I'm trying to grapple with this fact, and realize whether I'm actually asexual or if I just have an aversion to sexually-intended interactions. I tried telling this to a friend, and she immediately responded with, "no, you're not asexual". But I think I am. I don't crave sex, I just crave affection and companionship. I still have crushes, and I may be sexually active someday, but it won't be the end of the world if I'm not.

Because of this, and the fact that I've only had one boyfriend (I don't even know if it counts), I am very awkward around the opposite sex. I never know what to say, and at first I find it stressful, but then realize that it may be a blessing in disguise. Plus, it's not my fault if a guy only wants one thing, right? Once I realize his intentions, I immediately become cold. It's like a switch that turns off in my head. If I see a guy glancing at my chest, staring at me too much and smiling excessively, or using a bad pick-up line, I become uncomfortable and distance myself. I look down, close myself off, and begin responding with short, flat sentences. This is like a reflex that I have no control over. In a few minutes the guy gets the message and backs off.

Some people may be frustrated by this, but I feel like it's a blessing in disguise. Granted, it's made me extremely uncomfortable around men, but I feel lucky. I don't need to worry about birth control. As of now, it is also impossible for me to get knocked up or contract an STD. I say "as of now" because, who knows? I may want sex in the future, I just don't right now. But let me tell you, it's such a load off. I used to know a girl who would have a panic attack every week about how she thought she was pregnant. I also know people who have had children far too early in life that were "mistakes". I may be jumping ahead of myself here, but it's nice to not have to worry about that happening to me.

Also, being socially awkward will help protect me against unwanted sexual situations. Granted, if a person wants to rape then they will, but in my case some of the interactions leading up to that point are virtually nonexistent. Of course, protecting yourself and being educated are extremely important, I'm not lessening the significance of this. I'm just stating that awkwardness can serve as a barrier from unwanted interactions, which can be a wonderful thing.

I know some people will tell me that I'm missing out on a lot by not dating, but let me tell you, I just don't care. I don't feel like I'm missing out on much. Does that mean that I will never be sexually active? Maybe, maybe not. I'm not closed off to the idea in the future, but I just don't want it right now. Do I question my intentions constantly? Absolutely. Nothing is definite, things can change. All I know is that as far as I can tell, my standoffishness protects me from unwanted situations. At least, it has thus far, and this is something that I am very fortunate for.

So, regardless of what people tell you, it is okay to be awkward! It can even be a good thing. Embrace it! However, as an extra method of protection it is important to be educated. Here are some links that are useful:

Scarleteen

Planned Parenthood

S0, read up, and be aware of interactions. Respect yourselves, do your best to understand what you need, and if something unfortunate does happen, then don't be afraid to talk about it. And if you get in an unwanted interaction, then don't be afraid to move into awkward mode. Hell, if you really don't want to talk, then just throw 'em the face!

Ridiculous, but same idea. Enjoy, and love yourselves!

Awkward Non-Aspies, Part II

In continuation with a recent post, Don't Forget, I've decided to revisit the theme of neurotypical people with awkward or strange tendencies.

Miranda

Miranda is a girl I've known since we were toddlers. Our mothers are best friends, so it was expected that we would be, as well. Miranda is a few months older than me, and I remember her house was like a second home to me growing up. Miranda's mother is a wonderful person, very warm and welcoming- she would give up everything for the sake of your comfort. When we were moving they opened up their house to us for a good part of a summer. With such a nice family, I wonder where Miranda's bitter disposition came from.

I remember playing Power Rangers with her and her brother, and I was always shafted - though I wanted to be the Pink Ranger, Miranda always insisted on being the Pink Ranger, while I was the Yellow Ranger. Nothing against the Yellow Ranger (she was pretty awesome), but any diplomatic friend would have happily taken turns.

There's one perfect word to describe Miranda: she's cold. In all of the time I've spent with her, I could never read her emotions. Strikingly beautiful, everything about her was sharp, like ice. Her speech inflection could cut around jagged corners and poke someone's eye out. Though I was isolated in a mental bubble due to my Asperger's, my presence was very warm and soft. Even as a child I was told I had a meditative, zen-like presence.

So out of convenience, I spent a lot of time at Miranda's house growing up. She was never the type of person you could just "hang out" with - we'd always have the TV on, or we'd be playing video games. There would be some outside distraction to build a wall between us. That was fine with me. I always liked going over her house because her mom would give me all the junk food my parents wouldn't let me eat. I remember happily filling up on sugar over there - I think this is why I now have an insatiable sweet tooth.

Still, the TV couldn't create a wall between us forever. Little by little I became aware of Miranda's personality. I could never understand her sarcasm, and she'd roll her eyes at me when I was confused. She'd respond to my clueless comments with snappy retorts, and of course this confused me. I know now that her mother had told her about my Asperger's, but Miranda didn't seem to be willing to give me a chance.

I did many extracurriculur activities with Miranda while we were growing up - Girl Scouts, Ballet, Soccer, Theater Camp. In our spare time there would be many awkward pauses in conversation with her. Though at the time, I hadn't mastered the art of non-awkward conversation (and I still have a long way to go), I didn't have that hard of a time making friends. I did manage to gain superficial friendships with a few bubbly theatre geeks - that type of friendship is one I could handle just fine. But when society forced kids into cliques, I had trouble.

The summer before my Sophomore year of high school, we were at that same theatre camp, and Miranda and I found ourselves friends with a group of girls. There were five of us, and my naivete was overwhelmed by their uninhibited cattiness. Our group even had a name, that's how bad it was. They would talk about other kids behind their backs. There was a group of kids who were decidedly different - one boy who I later learned was also an aspie, a girl with a speech impediment, and one girl who was painfully shy. These girls were brutal to them. I didn't partake in making fun of these kids, but I didn't defend them either. I regret this.

I remember being upset by the way the girls were treating the other kids. Even though I was friends with a few of the kids that my so-called "friends" made fun of, I felt a distinct separation between us because I was "in". This was the exact mentality that I hated - I remember being on the other side at my public school, I was the one being bullied! What sort of messed-up world is this?

In time, things came between us. I had started dating one of her friends from her school, Miranda got upset, and even after her friend and I broke up (it was short-lived, anyway), she continued to ignore me, and wouldn't respond to my efforts at being friendly. Though this was easy to ignore since I had moved to another town, it was frustrating. What was so different about Miranda? There was just something I couldn't put my finger on. Her friendships with people at school revolved around obnoxious jokes and loudness, while mine revolved around shared interests. She had found a close group of friends from her school, and though I was acquainted with some of them and welcome to hang out with them, I still felt largely out of place.

We ended up growing apart, but it isn't something I regret. We'd occasionally talk throughout college, but Miranda remained her flat, emotionless self. To this day I have no clue if Miranda was consciously mean, or if she was just lacking emotion and warmth. Hell, I couldn't even tell if she was just cold or if I was turning her away with my awkwardness. Regardless of the cause of our drift, I am now aware of the type of person I get along with, and growing up with Miranda has helped me realize what traits that person has.

While I wish Miranda happiness, she isn't someone I will be turning to in times of distress. I have much warmer and more deserving friends for that. That's just life.

Rex, the Musical Savant

This is a wonderful story of how an individual's strengths can more than make up for their shortcomings. Compassion and patience are the building blocks of success. Who's to say that Rex is impaired?

I believe Rex will discover a rich future full of beautiful, original music. He will be able to find his way through the world through texture and noise. When you can perceive so much, the areas in which you are lacking don't really matter. I wish Rex and his mother all the love and happiness in the world.

Don't Forget

Non-Aspies have awkward moments too!

I know a lot of people who tend to say or do things that make another person uncomfortable. This will happen completely on accident. There are different types of these:

The people who lack a sensor: My friend Emma is completely inappropriate, but so adorable and hilarious that you really don't care. She loves to slap her friend's asses, or give "boob kisses", and a typical comment from her will be (if your shirt is wet), "aww, you look like you're lactating!" (meant affectionately, mind you.)

When I first met Emma, I was completely taken aback by her bluntness, but then realized that some of the unspoken social rules in our society don't make sense. Plus, spending time with her is exciting - it's refreshing to drop all of the filters you are used to accumulating in everyday interactions. It's nice to have a friend who regularly challenges these rules, whether she realizes it or not!

The people who lack boundaries: two of my roommates started cleaning my room when I wasn't home and a potential subletter was coming over that night. Neither of them are on the Autism Spectrum. All I did was politely explain to them that it was an invasion of personal space, and to either wait for me or let me know if they feel compelled to do this in the future.

While their actions did make me uncomfortable, it made me realize: non-aspies mess up too. Social awkwardness is universal. Who cares?

A person's unique disposition: I have a classmate, Ashley, who is not like other girls I know. As far as I know she doesn't have Asperger's, but her personality is very unique when compared to the rest of my peers. She is very mellow, has a smooth-sounding voice, and always appears very relaxed. Almost every statement she makes ends with a laugh (amused? uncomfortable? I can't really tell.) and a sigh. There are occasionally awkward pauses in conversation with her, but when spending time with her I generally feel like I am in good company, as she is very pleasant to be around.

A number of my peers have attempted to explain Ashley's eccentricities. Some have stated that it's based on her geographic origin, as the majority of us are local, and our city is notorious for being obnoxious, uptight, and constantly stressed.

I don't know why Ashley is so unique, but it's nice to see someone who is so pleasantly calm all the time. I once had a conversation with her about being a design student, and the stresses that go along with it. She told me, "I've never had to think so much about things as I have this year." - followed by her trademark laugh and sigh, of course. I understood how she felt completely - could it be anxiety, general stress? Who knows?

The fact is, as much as we like to pretend, no one has everything together. Other people also question things constantly, and worry a lot. Though my psychiatrist likes to attribute this trait of mine to having Asperger's, I attribute it to being an American. We're stressed people! It's really an issue if everyone from a culture feels this way. I think we should work on trying to fix the culture from the inside and not the individuals.

There are other people like us: My friend Bobby is one in a million. I also think he has Asperger's, but I don't tend to dwell on this possibility - we are all unique, after all. Another friend described him as a "friendly floater" - he is acquaintances with everyone, but is not particularly close with any one group of people. Whether he realizes it or not, he is defying our culture's basis for social standards, which I think is really awesome.

Bobby is the master of the calm, one-sided speech. He loves to talk. He has a really great baritone-esque voice- he would make a great voice actor - but he will talk nonstop about the most random things. He tends to have some awkward pauses here and there, and conversations with him don't tend to follow the typical vapid quality that I experience with most friends in passing (where the person acts like they care, but they really don't). Unfortunately, a lot of people are uncomfortable around Bobby, just because his presence makes you question our society's social rules. Lame, right?

The thing about Bobby, though, is that he is one of the most genuine people I know. He spends all of his time doing community service, helping people, giving without any expectation of his thoughtfulness being returned. He loves to bake food for all of his friends, and I feel like other people take his big heart for granted. He is very trusting, probably too trusting - I feel like he is very easily manipuated.

While it would be beneficial for him to learn to read people better, I think that it is nice to see that not all people are robots of one another, and that not all people try to be like everyone else. People like Bobby are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise clone-like society. I just hope that being aware of his presence will allow others to embrace their own eccentricities.

Moral of the story? NOT ALL AWKWARD PEOPLE ARE ASPIES. We are not the trademark of eccentric. Other people exist who are equally unique. Non-Aspies question social rules and feel as if they are awkward, too. The fact that people like this exist make me feel relieved.

Stay unique, everyone.

I made a Formspring!

While I think some aspects of social media are a bit ridiculous, I figured it could be cool in case any of you would like to get an Aspie's perspective on things. You can be anonymous, and I'm anonymous, so really, what have we got to lose?

All I ask is that you be respectful. Not too hard, right?

Ask an Aspie!

Some example questions: Do you stim? What do you think the good things about being an aspie are? What are some aspie-friendly activities to do while on a date?

Go on, ask me something good! I dare you, haha.

Happy asking!

Aspie to NT, and Back Again

Be polite. Don't talk behind a person's back. Have a firm handshake. Learn to properly recognize the occurence of sarcasm and jokes. Learn to deliver sarcasm and jokes in an appropriate manner. Play coy. Don't butt into places you're not wanted. Don't drag the conversation down. Don't be a hermit. Don't draw unnecessary attention to yourself - hide that which makes you different.

As an Aspie in a Neurotypical world, I've had to, along with numerous other folks, learn how to blend in and not put a spotlight on my differences. From the outside I am what appears to be a perfectly average young woman, molded to a counter-culture which has become the norm (we're all hipsters here, espescially if you attend my school). I listen to alternative music with the occasional ironic hip-hop; I buy clothing from secondhand stores and H&M; I enjoy making fun of Justin Bieber and Ke$ha but am secretly fascinated by them - aren't we all?

To put it bluntly, I'm about as unique as a molecule of salt on a Big Mac. The only thing separating me from the rest of the world is the way my brain functions, and even that barrier is slowly starting to break down. My attractive appearance and (learned) pleasant disposition have either cancelled out my social mishaps, or have given me new opportunities to learn the ropes of socializing in an appropriate manner.

Though we all may moan about how our lives suck, I've been dealt a good hand, I guess.

In all of my learned appropriateness, however, the thing that haunts me to this day is the memory of being bullied. Yes, there was a time when I was disliked: death threats, harrassment, cyberbullying, you name it. I've been picked on for every feature on my body, every strange interest and/or social mishap, every honest mistake I've ever publicly made. Shit happens, you know how it goes. Everyone has their own sob story, and mine is no different from yours.

Perhaps my internal optimist stepped in, though, because while parents and teachers and therapists and guidance counselors and school officials were trying to change the structure of the school to make things easier for me, I wanted to relieve them of this pressure and change myself to fit in with my pre-existing environment. I resisted every accommodation that was made for me and instead turned myself into a chameleon.

Now, being socially malleable isn't so bad. I work well on teams and like to think that I am able to adapt to many social situations easily. I often appear eager and friendly. Being this way has made me flexible but flimsy - always wanting to please everybody but never having a backbone. Since I've taught myself to "go with the flow", I am often indecisive and may end up doing things that are unrealistic, or that I don't want to do.

Individuals who are bullied often take two routes: become severely depressed, or fight back with kindness. I've chosen the latter. While it is an arguably more pleasant and humane thing to do, falling under the teachings of virtue and goodness of most religions, I now realize I have set myself up for repulsion. I've become so sickeningly sweet that I repel many of my peers. I hold a strict moral code: never talk negatively about a person; never partake in the spreading of rumors; and never cheat, steal from, or deceive another person.

Though I've managed to protect myself from bullying, I've also managed to protect myself from having a fulfilling life, always living in the shadows of my fears, afraid to offend. I fear being an abrasive, obnoxious individual - but aren't those the people who get the furthest?

I need to re-learn some of my Aspie tendencies. Maybe I shouldn't shy away from talking about the Super Mario games if they're something I'm really passionate about. Besides, who the fuck cares how odd I am, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone? Such outspokenness will teach me to be more assertive, so I can maybe talk my way into getting a promotion at work or avoid being given bitch work because I'm so damn "easygoing".

It has taken me years to acquire the social understanding I have today. As far as outward appearances go, I've gone from Aspie to NT. Now, I think it's time to regress back to being the oddball. I'd rather things be that way.

Guys, we've got it good. Don't forget it.

An Open Letter

Dear Freshman Year Roommate,

Hi, it's been a while. I know you're about to transition into a new chapter of your life that you're far too young for, but I just wanted to tell you that I came to a conclusion about the time we lived together.

Yes - two years ago. That dreaded year. We were both new to college, neither of us knew anyone. I was friendly, you told me outright that you were a loner. I'm a loner too, so that was fine with me. Little did I know that "I'm a loner" translated to "I'm a loner because I dwell on my problems and create new ones for others."

That didn't stop me from trying to be your friend. Though I was a horrible roommate, I made countless efforts to be considerate, ask you how your day went- I even make you a sweet birthday present. I was determined to be a good friend, despite your efforts at being a bad one. I never you would perceive that behavior as a nuisance.

Well, guess what? You're THE ONLY one who saw my friendliness as a nuisance. Now, I know my constant doting affection may have seemed inappropriate at times, especially when you were rude to me. I can't tell if this was my Asperger's or sheer determination taking control here, nor do I care. I don't know if your misfortune or constant negativity are to blame for your rudeness, but moping and whining won't get you anywhere. Who cares if all you see in life is pain? YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THAT. Grab life by the balls. What goes around comes around, my dear.

I just wanted to thank you. After two years of constantly worrying about something that was long past, about someone I'll never have to see again, I've finally realized, that: despite the fact that living with you was an absolute nightmare, I now know that I should never settle for having shitty people in my life. I better understand that if something sucks, GET OUT OF IT. Being helplessly dragged around doesn't pay off in the long run. Furthermore, because I trudged through the dreaded misfortune of living with you, I know now how to NOT treat people, and I know how to be a wonderful roommate. This is why I hadn't had a negative rooming situation in the two years after I lived with you.

Because I lived with you, I better understand how to make the most out of the relationships I have in my life. Because of the respect I treat others with, I have wonderful friends, and my life isn't nearly as painful as it could have turned out. I also have a better understanding of who is a true friend and who isn't, and who to treat with the respect and good fortune I love to spread around.

I'm pleased to report that in all of my 21 years, I've never been happier, and things are just looking up. I don't know if I'd be in such a great state if I hadn't lived with you. Sure, it sucked, but I'm a better person than I've ever been. And even though, based on the way you treat people, you're probably subject to a life of misery and pain; I hope you've learned something beneficiary from living with me, even if it does equate to "avoid bubbly liberal-minded girls who want to be your friend." If you perceive that as an important life lesson for yourself, then good for you. To each her own, my friend.

In summary, we learn from our mistakes. I now know who to embrace and who to avoid from having spent time with you. Isn't life great?

Wishing you happiness, even if your pain is your happiness-

Pink

Last week.

In class, my teacher was reviewing some of our work, when she called me up and told me:

- "Pink, it's really amazing. When I demonstrate these techniques you appear very distracted - "

- "Yeah, I know, I space out a lot."

- "Yes, you do! But you know what's really amazing? In class you seem like you're in your own little world, but then you go home and do an excellent job on everything. I don't know how you do it."

- (to my own surprise) "...I guess it just happens..."

It's odd; I was never even aware of such a thing. I am very easily distracted, but I can follow directions exactly, and I remember very minute details I didn't even realize I was paying attention to at the time. 

I guess having a brain wired like this isn't such a bad thing. 

Epiphany.

I originally began this blog to help people step into the mind of someone with Asperger's Syndrome. I've been trying to promote neurodiversity, love, compassion, appreciation and self-respect. I've been trying to get out the message that everybody has a unique mind, and the Autism spectrum is just one tiny slice of the possible distinctions between every single mind out there. For those of you reading this, who are taking in my message, thank you.

However, I really shouldn't be keeping a blog in the first place. I'm just a random young woman who happens to fit into the specific diagnostic criteria for a condition that some people happen to have. I look exactly like every other 20 year old girl on the street, with the same interests and a similar mindset; I'm yet another pawn in the ever-changing army of pop culture, abiding to modern trends in order to not stand out like a sore thumb. I have no clue how my ideas could possibly be that different from anyone else's. Though I'm technically an adult, I still feel like I have a lot of growing up to do, and I have not seen nearly enough of life yet to be preaching ideas which I can hardly grasp myself.

I will still write in here, but I think I'm going to change my focus. I'm going to talk more about my daily interactions and things I'm learning instead of this one-sided preachy bullshit. Because brainwashing is what we're trying to fight, right? Conformity is both a best friend and an enemy, so I want to figure out ways to both embrace it while still remaining the same unique, brilliant individuals with savant-like grasps on subjects the rest of society is unable to focus on.

I'll admit it: my contact with fellow Aspies and Auties is fairly limited, but those I have met are very talented writers, artists, mathematicians, philosophers and thinkers. I'm still amazed by the ambition and devotion these friends of mine place into their field of work, and have no doubt that it will lead them to great happiness and fulfillment, no matter their unique path in getting there.

As my peers and I grow up (imagine the thought), we will learn new things, and maybe uncover something implausibly fantastic. But until then, we need to figure out what life really is.

What's actually important.

Today I ran into a classmate, and we spent a few hours talking - about everything. Oddly enough, it wasn't awkward at all. I usually have a hard time holding conversations with people, but she was so easy to talk to, not to mention a really interesting person. I love learning new things about people because they're so interesting to begin with, and when you try to hide those interesting points to give off a certain impression, you are, in a way, cheating yourself out of the connections and experiences you could be having. At least, that's how I feel. 

Moments like these are what help me remember that social standards don't really apply. Don't get me wrong; they do in the sense of showing you're engaged in conversation and by not offending the other person, but you really shouldn't be trying to appear flawless. You don't need to be molded into the perfect human being to get by - if you meet individuals whom you really connect with, then those friendships turn into something special. Those friendships may be limited in quantity, but it shouldn't matter how many friends you have anyway. 

Also, socializing seems so superficial. I'm referring to large parties, clubs, and anywhere cliques may roam. These instances are more for show than anything, and they completely demolish the concept behind having friends in the first place.  

There is no wrong way to go about making friends, unless it involves hurting somebody. And if you have just one friend, as long as that relationship makes you happy, then that is what really  matters.

...Too Nice?

Today I had an interesting experience, which made me think: How can I tell when I am supposed to be upset, as opposed to when I should be happy?

When I woke up, I was presented with a wonderful surprise: an early winter break! What better way to celebrate than to go shopping? 

So shopping is exactly what I did: I've been dying for a cute, versatile pair of boots for a while, but unfortunately I'm broke. So I checked out this upscale consignment shop near my school, found a pair, and was about to go try them on when an employee approached me and said "...I'm sorry, but I was going buy those boots! They've been here for a few weeks but we were banned from buying anything until tomorrow night."

I thought, okay, whatever, I'm extremely picky anyway, and I wasn't exactly attached to those boots. It's no big deal if she gets them. Besides, she promised me a huge discount, so it was okay. This girl kept going on about how I was such a nice person, and how this was my "good Christmas deed".  We talked for a little bit (she was about my age, and had a roommate who went to the same school as me) - casual conversation, it was fine.

She brought out a similar pair of boots for me to try on, in the same size. I decided to try them on - they weren't as cute, but they were still in the range of what I was looking for, so it couldn't hurt. When I tried them on, though, I noticed that they were too tight in the calves, and a seam on the side had ripped. I wasn't disappointed, but I brought them to the girl to show her. She was trying to be nice about it, suggesting I bring them to a cobbler, but I didn't like them enough anyway. 

I could tell that the other employees felt bad, because they began looking for boots that I might like ("you should check out these riding boots here...", but frankly, I didn't really like any of them. I took a peek around the rest of the store and walked out, but before leaving, I very kindly and enthusiastically thanked one of those employees for helping me, which she seemed taken aback by. Uncomfortably, she said "...no problem!" and I said goodbye and left...

Afterwards, I was thinking, why was she surprised by me being so nice to her? Aren't you supposed to be courteous and polite to others unless they really upset you? I mean, I was upset, but it wasn't the end of the world for me, I'll probably be able to find another pair of boots somewhere else. 

I think I have trouble expressing anger. Ever since I was little, I've been taught to be polite, courteous and generally nice to everybody.  I know these are good traits for a person to have, but I feel like it was drilled into my brain so much that I am now unable to recognize when I shouldn't act this way - it's like I'm a robot and this is the default setting I'm stuck on. I worry sometimes that my kindness is a cold sort of kindness as well - I can't really tell if I mean it or not anymore. I'll do nice things for people, because I'm expected to, and I really do mean well, but I can never tell if my intentions are coming across well enough.

Either way, I don't understand why people don't take kindness that well - do they expect me to be a bitch? I probably should have been angry in that situation, but frankly, I just didn't care, and I've learned that anger just isn't worth it. You can say the exact same thing more constructively without getting angry. 

Maybe I should learn when it is appropriate to get angry. I need to pay better attention in the future.

Well, I have no idea whether what I was trying to say came across well, so let me know... I'm pretty tired now, time to rest. until then, goodnight!

Growth Through Experience.

Hello again everyone! It's been a while since I've written, so I think I'll begin this new entry with a bit of an anecdote:

A few days ago I was spending time with a few friends, and a guy who has an unwanted crush on one of my friends comes in and starts chatting it up with her - he sits next to her and earnestly starts telling her about his favorite television show... she's not interested at all. My other friend and I are able to recognize that he is making her uncomfortable - her body is caved in a little bit and her facial expression seems polite, but unresponsive: certainly uncomfortable.

At that moment, my friend and I are figuring out how to spare our friend who is mercilessly being hit on, so I decide to distract this guy: he's good with computers, so I ask him to help me with a diagram in Microsoft Excel that I had been making for one of my classes, but unfortunately, I was having trouble with turning the statistics into a chart. Excited, he immediately comes over, grabs my laptop, and shows me how it works. My other two friends leave the room, and after he helps me, I end the conversation gracefully: "I think I left my flash drive in my room; I'd better go save this..." He went back to his room, and it ended fine.

When I got back upstairs my friend hugged me and thanked me for sparing her of such an awkward moment. At this time, I was in shock: how could I have smoothed over something so well? I'm usually the awkward one!

The only thing I can attribute this experience to is years and years of mess-ups. Because of my Asperger's, I've had to pay close attention to what is and isn't awkward: not to mention anything about unwanted subjects in casual conversation, appropriate body language, etc. It's quite grueling to have to think about everything that you're going to say in order to avoid making a fool out of yourself! Fortunately, it will all pay off in the long run.

It's about time, too. Middle school and high school were brutal (I recieved an unusually high amount of bullying, and that victimized, condescending reputation sort of stuck), but that's where I gained enough experience to appear approachable. College really provided the most amount of growth, for my approachability allowed me to socialize more, and learn more than I ever had before. I'm still nowhere near appearing normal, but with enough hard work I think I'll be able to survive.

What I'm trying to say is (and I'm no professional or anything), it's important for people with Asperger's, HFA or any similar conditions to put themselves out there socially, no matter how uncomfortable they may feel. Pay attention to how other people do things: saying hi, small talk, and seeing how people relate to others using pop culture or past experiences are just a few examples. It even may help if you disclose your condition to a close friend, and encourage him/her to let you know of any strange tendencies you have, or if you say anything disconcerting - this will serve as as extra observation, so you can work on things you wouldn't typically be aware of.

Through the years, I've come across a stunning realization that with experience and intense concentration, social skills can be learned. It's definitely possible: don't give up! We may never be perfectly normal, but being aware of our social tendencies will certainly help us build self-esteem and relationships in the long run. Certainly worth the wait.