I started my job three weeks ago. I'm working for a local theatre company, which is really cool. I'm on the production team as an intern. I love it, I get to work quietly all day with a small number of faces and it's not overwhelming at all. My boss thought it would be a good idea to put me on the wardrobe crew, but then realized it was too overwhelming for me, and that I would be better working behind the scenes. Typical aspie. It's cool though, I don't mind it. Realizing I can't work in an overwhelming environment is just one of the facets of discovering your personality and what you can do best, it's a part of life. I'm not upset. I'm just happy my boss was understanding and that I didn't have to pull out the "I have Asperger's" card. No, she doesn't know, but how is giving a label different from saying "I work well in quiet places" without the added misconceptions about a developmental difference?
I've been commuting into work every day by the train. It's an hour long train ride from where I live, since I'm living at home with my parents in the suburbs. Probably a good idea. The train is overwhelming, and it's long hours, but there are ways around it. I've been learning how to cope with sensory overload on the train- my iPod and earplugs are wonderful. I like having a snack with me as well.
Yesterday my neurologist diagnosed me with Sensory Integration Disorder- I'm tired all the time and cannot deal with loud noises. My family puts the TV too loud, they like to yell, fuzzy noises hurt me, and I get motion sickness very easily when in the car. I also went to Ikea a few weeks ago and had a meltdown. I don't like overwhelming settings. This is just the beginning...
Lately I've been avoiding loud places- I haven't gone to night clubs, or stayed out too long, as it's worse when I'm tired. I've essentially become a hermit. What will I do when there's another band I want to see? I'm usually able to push through concerts but I don't want to wear myself out since I'm suddenly becoming a lot more sensitive to these things.
My mom thought it would be a good idea for me to go on a swing, since I did that when I was a kid in OT, and it really helped a lot with the neurological connections in my brain. I tried that and found my body isn't built for childrens' swings (my hips are too wide). They're buying me a weighted blanket though, so hopefully that will help. I also got some new lightbulbs that are built to replicate daylight- my neurologist told me to turn them on in the morning so that I can properly wake up.
I've been doing my best to eat well and rest. I really do hope things get better. I'd like to actually have the energy to live and experience the world.
Today I tried kickboxing. My friend encouraged me to join her, since it's an exercise class that she loves... Let's just say I lack the coordination for it. It's too fast for me, and mid-air punching to the sound of a dude belching over Lady Gaga songs isn't my cup of tea.
Perhaps this is because I'd never done it before, but it was too fast - I spent half the time watching the instructor and standing there like some idiot. Plus, the moves come up too fast, and I have NO CLUE what I am supposed to expect. Granted, we did end up doing some yoga moves at the end, but the bouncing techno prevented me from truly relaxing.
My neurologist first encouraged me to start exercising again to ease my headaches and exhaustion, because he said I wouldn't feel any better unless I try it. I'm pretty content doing yoga or some sort of meditative exercise, like running, because it can be done more or less at your own pace. While this isn't the case with yoga, it is so slow that I have no trouble keeping up. It also helps me with my anxiety.
Kickboxing, on the other hand, is like asking for a panic attack. My brain gets overloaded so easily that the hyperactive remixes of radio songs aren't exactly helping me. I'll admit that it was a good workout, but I don't think I'll be going back. It's too much for me, and I'm just not cut out for it.
One thing I don't like is how other people have been brainwashed by society. Granted, one of the main keys to a successful life is companionship. It may not be in the same form for everybody, and it is important to be respectful of this fact, but the relationships with the people we care about bring significance to our lives- Aspie or not.
The frustrating thing is, however, how people assume you are unhappy if you are not in a romantic relationship. I constantly have people question why I am not in a relationship. My response to them is always the same: I don't know why I'm not, but I don't need to be in one to be happy. I love my job, I love my family and friends, I graduated at the top of my class, and I have a lot to look forward to. I don't need a significant other to validate my existence.
One thing that I'm beginning to realize though, is that I may be asexual. I'm trying to grapple with this fact, and realize whether I'm actually asexual or if I just have an aversion to sexually-intended interactions. I tried telling this to a friend, and she immediately responded with, "no, you're not asexual". But I think I am. I don't crave sex, I just crave affection and companionship. I still have crushes, and I may be sexually active someday, but it won't be the end of the world if I'm not.
Because of this, and the fact that I've only had one boyfriend (I don't even know if it counts), I am very awkward around the opposite sex. I never know what to say, and at first I find it stressful, but then realize that it may be a blessing in disguise. Plus, it's not my fault if a guy only wants one thing, right? Once I realize his intentions, I immediately become cold. It's like a switch that turns off in my head. If I see a guy glancing at my chest, staring at me too much and smiling excessively, or using a bad pick-up line, I become uncomfortable and distance myself. I look down, close myself off, and begin responding with short, flat sentences. This is like a reflex that I have no control over. In a few minutes the guy gets the message and backs off.
Some people may be frustrated by this, but I feel like it's a blessing in disguise. Granted, it's made me extremely uncomfortable around men, but I feel lucky. I don't need to worry about birth control. As of now, it is also impossible for me to get knocked up or contract an STD. I say "as of now" because, who knows? I may want sex in the future, I just don't right now. But let me tell you, it's such a load off. I used to know a girl who would have a panic attack every week about how she thought she was pregnant. I also know people who have had children far too early in life that were "mistakes". I may be jumping ahead of myself here, but it's nice to not have to worry about that happening to me.
Also, being socially awkward will help protect me against unwanted sexual situations. Granted, if a person wants to rape then they will, but in my case some of the interactions leading up to that point are virtually nonexistent. Of course, protecting yourself and being educated are extremely important, I'm not lessening the significance of this. I'm just stating that awkwardness can serve as a barrier from unwanted interactions, which can be a wonderful thing.
I know some people will tell me that I'm missing out on a lot by not dating, but let me tell you, I just don't care. I don't feel like I'm missing out on much. Does that mean that I will never be sexually active? Maybe, maybe not. I'm not closed off to the idea in the future, but I just don't want it right now. Do I question my intentions constantly? Absolutely. Nothing is definite, things can change. All I know is that as far as I can tell, my standoffishness protects me from unwanted situations. At least, it has thus far, and this is something that I am very fortunate for.
So, regardless of what people tell you, it is okay to be awkward! It can even be a good thing. Embrace it! However, as an extra method of protection it is important to be educated. Here are some links that are useful:
S0, read up, and be aware of interactions. Respect yourselves, do your best to understand what you need, and if something unfortunate does happen, then don't be afraid to talk about it. And if you get in an unwanted interaction, then don't be afraid to move into awkward mode. Hell, if you really don't want to talk, then just throw 'em the face!
Ridiculous, but same idea. Enjoy, and love yourselves!
Be polite. Don't talk behind a person's back. Have a firm handshake. Learn to properly recognize the occurence of sarcasm and jokes. Learn to deliver sarcasm and jokes in an appropriate manner. Play coy. Don't butt into places you're not wanted. Don't drag the conversation down. Don't be a hermit. Don't draw unnecessary attention to yourself - hide that which makes you different.
As an Aspie in a Neurotypical world, I've had to, along with numerous other folks, learn how to blend in and not put a spotlight on my differences. From the outside I am what appears to be a perfectly average young woman, molded to a counter-culture which has become the norm (we're all hipsters here, espescially if you attend my school). I listen to alternative music with the occasional ironic hip-hop; I buy clothing from secondhand stores and H&M; I enjoy making fun of Justin Bieber and Ke$ha but am secretly fascinated by them - aren't we all?
To put it bluntly, I'm about as unique as a molecule of salt on a Big Mac. The only thing separating me from the rest of the world is the way my brain functions, and even that barrier is slowly starting to break down. My attractive appearance and (learned) pleasant disposition have either cancelled out my social mishaps, or have given me new opportunities to learn the ropes of socializing in an appropriate manner.
Though we all may moan about how our lives suck, I've been dealt a good hand, I guess.
In all of my learned appropriateness, however, the thing that haunts me to this day is the memory of being bullied. Yes, there was a time when I was disliked: death threats, harrassment, cyberbullying, you name it. I've been picked on for every feature on my body, every strange interest and/or social mishap, every honest mistake I've ever publicly made. Shit happens, you know how it goes. Everyone has their own sob story, and mine is no different from yours.
Perhaps my internal optimist stepped in, though, because while parents and teachers and therapists and guidance counselors and school officials were trying to change the structure of the school to make things easier for me, I wanted to relieve them of this pressure and change myself to fit in with my pre-existing environment. I resisted every accommodation that was made for me and instead turned myself into a chameleon.
Now, being socially malleable isn't so bad. I work well on teams and like to think that I am able to adapt to many social situations easily. I often appear eager and friendly. Being this way has made me flexible but flimsy - always wanting to please everybody but never having a backbone. Since I've taught myself to "go with the flow", I am often indecisive and may end up doing things that are unrealistic, or that I don't want to do.
Individuals who are bullied often take two routes: become severely depressed, or fight back with kindness. I've chosen the latter. While it is an arguably more pleasant and humane thing to do, falling under the teachings of virtue and goodness of most religions, I now realize I have set myself up for repulsion. I've become so sickeningly sweet that I repel many of my peers. I hold a strict moral code: never talk negatively about a person; never partake in the spreading of rumors; and never cheat, steal from, or deceive another person.
Though I've managed to protect myself from bullying, I've also managed to protect myself from having a fulfilling life, always living in the shadows of my fears, afraid to offend. I fear being an abrasive, obnoxious individual - but aren't those the people who get the furthest?
I need to re-learn some of my Aspie tendencies. Maybe I shouldn't shy away from talking about the Super Mario games if they're something I'm really passionate about. Besides, who the fuck cares how odd I am, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone? Such outspokenness will teach me to be more assertive, so I can maybe talk my way into getting a promotion at work or avoid being given bitch work because I'm so damn "easygoing".
It has taken me years to acquire the social understanding I have today. As far as outward appearances go, I've gone from Aspie to NT. Now, I think it's time to regress back to being the oddball. I'd rather things be that way.
This may perhaps be the most important thing I've ever heard:
Always remember to surround yourself with good people. If you have a family full of horrible people, create your own family. Your close friends will become your new family.
- My mother
She's just one example of someone who's had a hard life but has come out on top. I attribute this to her caring nature and the wonderful, nurturing way she treats others.
If I end up inheriting the tiniest bit of my mother's compassion, then I'll be the most fortunate girl alive.
Hi, I'm back... sorry I disappear every now and then. I just wanted to update you on how I'm doing.
Over my winter break from college, my mom took me to see her neurologist, since I've been having daily headaches for as long as I can remember. He prescribed to me an old anti-depressant that also helps with pain prevention. It's been about a month since I've been on it, and I've got to say, I feel a lot better. I didn't understand for a while that most people don't have to grapple with headaches on a daily basis.
Due to my recently being able to take on a lot more, I'm better able to recognize what things trigger the headaches that do occur - like not getting enough sleep. I've discovered that I need somewhere between 9-10 hours of sleep a night to feel decent. Being a full-time college student, those full nights of sleep get increasingly hard to come by. Even though I'll feel like a slug, I have to keep working - my grades and my self-respect depend on it. Even if it makes me feel like shit. I'd probably be able to get more work done if I were on a proper sleep schedule, haha. It's a tough balance to adjust to. Either way, I'll try my best.
I often wonder though, if my perception of headaches is merely my observing the presence of my head? Like feeling it's there. It still feels heavy and sluggish, as it sits there above my shoulders. It's not a sharp pain, it's very dull... possibly even a byproduct of my brain communicating with the rest of my body. Is the connection between my brain and my body somewhat defunct, in that the normal setting it's stuck on is "headache mode"??
I do, however, think the Aspies having low muscle tone generalization is true for me. Though physically fit, I often feel like a ragdoll, very limp and weak. I have poor posture as well, and a lot of the time just want to sleep. I guess I'm fortunate that my schoolwork requires making things, a lot of which involves standing up and moving around. It's important that I'm active in order to feel my best. Those moments, though, when I need to sit down... I think they send a signal for my brain that it's bedtime. This is why I have the hardest time in lectures, because despite my desire to learn, I'm not really doing anything interesting, just sitting there listening. I wish educators would create a more interactive version of the lecture, because I know for a fact that I'm not the only one who has this problem. I guess I'm fortunate that my professor lets us eat in class!
I'm trying to find foods and certain activities that help combat sluggishness associated with tiredness and being stuck in a zombie-like mode (which I often find myself trapped in). When I feel better I find that it is easier to socialize and get work done, and it is far more enjoyable - I feel almost normal, to the extent that one would like to feel "normal".
I've found, for myself, that peppermint tea, white tea and orange juice work wonders (citrusy things in general), as well as eating foods rich in protein. I think soy is a wonder food. I love sugar, but the crash that comes afterwards may not even be worth it. Doing yoga also seems like a great thing for me to do, as well as frequent exercise. I still need to work my way to a happy equilibrium, though, because I'm not quite there yet.
I want to bring this question to all of you: What have some things been that help YOU with sluggishness?
I've been on a quest to combat my ever-present fatigue for a while, because I feel that it directly correlates with my ability to function socially (Also, who enjoys feeling like crap? You get what I'm saying.).
I'm aware that this may not be the case for everyone - some people have given up on socializing, or it is no longer a priority for them. Still, I'd like to ask this question to all of you reading:
Which situation would you prefer: being able to communicate effectively while feeling physically and mentally exhausted, or feeling physically and mentally alert while failing to communicate properly?
We all come from different backgrounds and have different life experiences, so please brieftly touch upon your personal experiences. Thanks!
I just wanted to take a quick second to update you guys (or whomever actually reads this blog) with how I'm doing.
I've always had constant fatigue and headaches, and my doctor has been trying to figure out what the cause is. We've ruled out anemia, sinus problems, diabetes, kidney and liver problems, thyroid problems... basically any physical problem. I even found out that it's not lyme disease, which I had previously been tested positive for and subsequently had to take a slew of antibiotics for a few weeks afterwards (it's okay; a false diagnosis is common with lyme disease.). Kind of a pain in the ass, you know?
Well, after my doctor's appointment today, we've concluded that it's most likely something related to my ever-present anxiety. I've always known I've been an anxious person, but I never knew my nerves could drain me of my energy and overwhelm me to that extent. It's all starting to make sense now. Feeling that much tension all the time can be exhausting. I guess I am being completely overloaded with emotions and am in response draining myself. I'm glad it's being figured out now.
If you're feeling tired or fatigued, you shouldn't just learn to accept it - I'd check your symptoms and see if something could actually be wrong. Don't worry about getting treatment for anything either - that's the first step. Hopefully, now that I'm on the right path, I should begin to feel better soon! Nobody should constantly feel like crap - let's do something about it.
