I had my work review today.

It was fine... I expected my boss to be a little tough since it's an internship, and a learning experience. So that's okay.

The thing I've noticed is that in every work related situation I've been told I need to improve my listening abilities. That was their main comment. If I'm working under a team of supervisors I need to be able to retain what is told to me or else it is frustrating to the person I am working with, and a waste of their time if I have to constantly ask questions. When we move into crunch time i have a feeling that someone is going to snap at me because of my inability to process what they are telling me.

My boss commented that I often get distracted when people are giving me directions, or I'll look around, or even look away. I don't do this intentionally, I just have trouble absorbing auditory information. I've been this way my entire life, and while people take it offensively, I simply explain that this is how my brain works and it is not meant to be rude. I've often thought that I wouldn't mind being deaf, as I can communicate visually far better than verbally. Unfortunately, this isn't the way the world works, so I must adapt.

I've found taking notes and drawing pictures to be helpful, but I sometimes forget to do this, and I often wonder if I am taking notes correctly, or if my notes are even reliable. I need to make this note-taking a habit. I feel like simply taking notes isn't enough though- and while yes, I am here to learn, I worry that this shortcoming will prevent me from holding down a job in the future. If I plan on financially supporting myself and living a stable life I must work through this. I just don't know how.

I would really like to work for this company once my internship is over, but I hope I don't alienate myself from every company like this in my area. I hope I am not making myself appear inept. I have skills, and I am working on learning more, but I feel like I am not taken seriously because I ask so many questions, because I want to do things correctly. While it's good that I have another year to learn these things, I worry I am working myself into a hole. I worry these experiences will simply make me realize I am unemployable. I don't want to be a hassle to anyone.

I know it will be okay if I really buckle down, but I have enough to worry about- I just want to progress from here. I don't know if I can handle too much stress right now. I just want things to go smoothly.

Other Aspies and visual types, what are some tricks to help you absorb and process information?

An Update: Sensory Integration Disorder

I started my job three weeks ago. I'm working for a local theatre company, which is really cool. I'm on the production team as an intern. I love it, I get to work quietly all day with a small number of faces and it's not overwhelming at all. My boss thought it would be a good idea to put me on the wardrobe crew, but then realized it was too overwhelming for me, and that I would be better working behind the scenes. Typical aspie. It's cool though, I don't mind it. Realizing I can't work in an overwhelming environment is just one of the facets of discovering your personality and what you can do best, it's a part of life. I'm not upset. I'm just happy my boss was understanding and that I didn't have to pull out the "I have Asperger's" card. No, she doesn't know, but how is giving a label different from saying "I work well in quiet places" without the added misconceptions about a developmental difference?

I've been commuting into work every day by the train. It's an hour long train ride from where I live, since I'm living at home with my parents in the suburbs. Probably a good idea. The train is overwhelming, and it's long hours, but there are ways around it. I've been learning how to cope with sensory overload on the train- my iPod and earplugs are wonderful. I like having a snack with me as well.

Yesterday my neurologist diagnosed me with Sensory Integration Disorder- I'm tired all the time and cannot deal with loud noises. My family puts the TV too loud, they like to yell, fuzzy noises hurt me, and I get motion sickness very easily when in the car. I also went to Ikea a few weeks ago and had a meltdown. I don't like overwhelming settings. This is just the beginning...

Lately I've been avoiding loud places- I haven't gone to night clubs, or stayed out too long, as it's worse when I'm tired. I've essentially become a hermit. What will I do when there's another band I want to see? I'm usually able to push through concerts but I don't want to wear myself out since I'm suddenly becoming a lot more sensitive to these things.

My mom thought it would be a good idea for me to go on a swing, since I did that when I was a kid in OT, and it really helped a lot with the neurological connections in my brain. I tried that and found my body isn't built for childrens' swings (my hips are too wide). They're buying me a weighted blanket though, so hopefully that will help. I also got some new lightbulbs that are built to replicate daylight- my neurologist told me to turn them on in the morning so that I can properly wake up.

I've been doing my best to eat well and rest. I really do hope things get better. I'd like to actually have the energy to live and experience the world.

Kickboxing = Death Sentence

Today I tried kickboxing. My friend encouraged me to join her, since it's an exercise class that she loves... Let's just say I lack the coordination for it. It's too fast for me, and mid-air punching to the sound of a dude belching over Lady Gaga songs isn't my cup of tea.

Perhaps this is because I'd never done it before, but it was too fast - I spent half the time watching the instructor and standing there like some idiot. Plus, the moves come up too fast, and I have NO CLUE what I am supposed to expect. Granted, we did end up doing some yoga moves at the end, but the bouncing techno prevented me from truly relaxing.

My neurologist first encouraged me to start exercising again to ease my headaches and exhaustion, because he said I wouldn't feel any better unless I try it. I'm pretty content doing yoga or some sort of meditative exercise, like running, because it can be done more or less at your own pace. While this isn't the case with yoga, it is so slow that I have no trouble keeping up. It also helps me with my anxiety.

Kickboxing, on the other hand, is like asking for a panic attack. My brain gets overloaded so easily that the hyperactive remixes of radio songs aren't exactly helping me. I'll admit that it was a good workout, but I don't think I'll be going back. It's too much for me, and I'm just not cut out for it.

Aspies, what do you like to do for exercise?

Aspies in the Media: Mary and Max

The other night I finally got around to watching this movie... Mary and Max, a 2009 Claymation Film directed by Adam Elliot. I'd been meaning to see this movie forever because of the Aspie protagonist, but I hadn't gotten a chance, until now. And I'm happy I did.

The movie is about a young Australian girl, Mary Dinkle, who is unhappy with the state of her life - she has a neglectful father and an alcoholic, kleptomaniac mother who tells her that she was a "mistake". She is insecure about her appearance and is very lonely. Hoping to make a new friend, she pulls the name Max Horowitz out of a phone book at the post office. It is listed that he lives in New York City, so she writes a letter to him asking about life in America, explaining how she wants a friend.

Max responds, explaining the state of his life. He is an obese older man who is sensitive to stimuli, is confused by social cues, and lives a quiet, controlled life with his goldfish Henry and his chocolate hot dogs. He doesn't have any friends, and writes to Mary that he is glad she is his friend.

While the movie progresses, more letters are exchanged, and we learn more about both Mary and Max. In one scene where Mary asks Max about how to talk to a boy she likes, Max has a meltdown, is institutionalized for many months, and it is revealed that he has Asperger's Syndrome. He expresses frustration that his psychiatrist feels sorry for him, and that he wants to "cure" him. Max expresses the belief that Asperger's is just one way of defining who he is, and that it is not a disease or disorder.

This movie is wonderful because it shows the importance of friendship and connection, even by society's so-called "freaks". While parts of this film are very depressing, the film itself has a beautiful message of connection and friendship. The visuals are very well done - Max's world is gray, Mary's is beige, and they are connected by little pieces of red. Max's bluntless and Mary's silly questions make this an enjoyable and amusing film, combining black humor and a bittersweet story to make for a flawless, rich experience that I'm sure everyone will be able to connect to. Mary and Max is certainly a must-see.

Here is a trailer:

Enjoy!

QuickCues and other Mobile Apps for ASD's

The Non-profit organization Fraser has produced QuickCues, a mobile app which helps to provide cue cards for those on the Autism Spectrum. Here is a demo video:

I don't know much about this app other than what is shown in the demo video, but it seems like a wonderful idea. With all of the technological advances taking place, why not take advantage of this?

In middle and high school, my aide encouraged me to write down hints for communicating in a notebook. I simply wrote down the names of my peers and a thing or two I could discuss with them, something simple like music, tv shows, or a sport we played together.

The only issue with this is its inconvenience, and visibility. I remember in my sophomore year, a "friend" (read: mean-spirited acquaintance) was going through my notebook, and came across my page of conversation starters. Her eyes started darting intently across the page, as it wasn't the usual doodle-filled chemistry notes; she asked, "what's this?" I turned bright red and grabbed it back immediately. I told her that it helped me figure out what to say to other people, trying not to make a big deal out of it. For a second I felt like a complete stalker, tracking the actions and interests of my peers. I stopped carrying around visual cues after that.

Though there is a useful aspect in writing down things to help remember them, it just gets inconvenient at times. Flash cards take up space, are cumbersome, get dirty easily, and could easily reveal your differences. An app like this, or even a word document on your phone with reminders, is discreet and private. If you don't want such an app to be revealed, a vague title like "QuickCues" can be written off as a general study guide - also, it doesn't hurt that iPhones and iPods can be password protected. You can give yourself as little or as much security as you feel is necessary.

This app is $4.99. Though I personally feel I wouldn't want to spend so much money on it (I'm a cheapskate), I think Fraser is providing an important service and such an app would be worth investing in for a lot of people. If you don't want to spend the money, you could probably create flashcards, or a word document with text from an online guide - it would be free, but with a similar idea.

I hope this app becomes available for more devices, and not just the Apple devices. You don't even need an iPhone to use it. Though I don't have this app, I've found my iPod Touch indispensable. Along with all my music, it has relaxation sounds, Theta and Beta waves (also for relaxation), some photos, games, books, my calendar, and the small internet browser doesn't hurt either. I've written papers on it, and even a few of these blog entries! It's nice because I can carry a lot with me in such a compact package. If you don't want to spend the money on an iPod Touch, I'd reconsider - there are some less expensive models out, and they can be purchased on different websites for even less! I got my iPod on eBay and saved about $80 off of Apple's price.

Sorry, I just sounded like I'm pitching a product! Haha. But seriously, this is a great idea. Would you use an app like this? Why or why not? Do you know of any similar ones? I want to hear about them! Maybe we could start a list. So show me what you've got!

Aspies and Cats

My cat does this thing when he's happy where he'll curl his front paws in and out. It reminds me of a stimming thing, as I do this with my toes too.

He also is very sensitive to noise. He'll run away when my mom drops something on accident, and if I stomp too loudly. He's afraid of the dishwasher, as well as my guitar. If he hears something noisy, he'll run away in panic.

He's terrified of new people. The only people he lets close to him are my immediate family and a few quiet, gentle friends. With us he is very loving and affectionate, but if we ever have a lot of people over, he'll hide, shaking under my mom's bed.

His motor skills aren't very good, either - he can't run in a small circle - he can only run in large, clumsy ones. He is constantly invading my other cat's personal space as well - he's socially awkward, like me.

My kitty and I have a lot in common. Sometimes I wonder if he's an aspie too.

Whether he is or not, though, we make a good team, and I'm happy to have someone in my life as eccentric as I am (even if he's a cat).

Don't Forget

Non-Aspies have awkward moments too!

I know a lot of people who tend to say or do things that make another person uncomfortable. This will happen completely on accident. There are different types of these:

The people who lack a sensor: My friend Emma is completely inappropriate, but so adorable and hilarious that you really don't care. She loves to slap her friend's asses, or give "boob kisses", and a typical comment from her will be (if your shirt is wet), "aww, you look like you're lactating!" (meant affectionately, mind you.)

When I first met Emma, I was completely taken aback by her bluntness, but then realized that some of the unspoken social rules in our society don't make sense. Plus, spending time with her is exciting - it's refreshing to drop all of the filters you are used to accumulating in everyday interactions. It's nice to have a friend who regularly challenges these rules, whether she realizes it or not!

The people who lack boundaries: two of my roommates started cleaning my room when I wasn't home and a potential subletter was coming over that night. Neither of them are on the Autism Spectrum. All I did was politely explain to them that it was an invasion of personal space, and to either wait for me or let me know if they feel compelled to do this in the future.

While their actions did make me uncomfortable, it made me realize: non-aspies mess up too. Social awkwardness is universal. Who cares?

A person's unique disposition: I have a classmate, Ashley, who is not like other girls I know. As far as I know she doesn't have Asperger's, but her personality is very unique when compared to the rest of my peers. She is very mellow, has a smooth-sounding voice, and always appears very relaxed. Almost every statement she makes ends with a laugh (amused? uncomfortable? I can't really tell.) and a sigh. There are occasionally awkward pauses in conversation with her, but when spending time with her I generally feel like I am in good company, as she is very pleasant to be around.

A number of my peers have attempted to explain Ashley's eccentricities. Some have stated that it's based on her geographic origin, as the majority of us are local, and our city is notorious for being obnoxious, uptight, and constantly stressed.

I don't know why Ashley is so unique, but it's nice to see someone who is so pleasantly calm all the time. I once had a conversation with her about being a design student, and the stresses that go along with it. She told me, "I've never had to think so much about things as I have this year." - followed by her trademark laugh and sigh, of course. I understood how she felt completely - could it be anxiety, general stress? Who knows?

The fact is, as much as we like to pretend, no one has everything together. Other people also question things constantly, and worry a lot. Though my psychiatrist likes to attribute this trait of mine to having Asperger's, I attribute it to being an American. We're stressed people! It's really an issue if everyone from a culture feels this way. I think we should work on trying to fix the culture from the inside and not the individuals.

There are other people like us: My friend Bobby is one in a million. I also think he has Asperger's, but I don't tend to dwell on this possibility - we are all unique, after all. Another friend described him as a "friendly floater" - he is acquaintances with everyone, but is not particularly close with any one group of people. Whether he realizes it or not, he is defying our culture's basis for social standards, which I think is really awesome.

Bobby is the master of the calm, one-sided speech. He loves to talk. He has a really great baritone-esque voice- he would make a great voice actor - but he will talk nonstop about the most random things. He tends to have some awkward pauses here and there, and conversations with him don't tend to follow the typical vapid quality that I experience with most friends in passing (where the person acts like they care, but they really don't). Unfortunately, a lot of people are uncomfortable around Bobby, just because his presence makes you question our society's social rules. Lame, right?

The thing about Bobby, though, is that he is one of the most genuine people I know. He spends all of his time doing community service, helping people, giving without any expectation of his thoughtfulness being returned. He loves to bake food for all of his friends, and I feel like other people take his big heart for granted. He is very trusting, probably too trusting - I feel like he is very easily manipuated.

While it would be beneficial for him to learn to read people better, I think that it is nice to see that not all people are robots of one another, and that not all people try to be like everyone else. People like Bobby are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise clone-like society. I just hope that being aware of his presence will allow others to embrace their own eccentricities.

Moral of the story? NOT ALL AWKWARD PEOPLE ARE ASPIES. We are not the trademark of eccentric. Other people exist who are equally unique. Non-Aspies question social rules and feel as if they are awkward, too. The fact that people like this exist make me feel relieved.

Stay unique, everyone.

I made a Formspring!

While I think some aspects of social media are a bit ridiculous, I figured it could be cool in case any of you would like to get an Aspie's perspective on things. You can be anonymous, and I'm anonymous, so really, what have we got to lose?

All I ask is that you be respectful. Not too hard, right?

Ask an Aspie!

Some example questions: Do you stim? What do you think the good things about being an aspie are? What are some aspie-friendly activities to do while on a date?

Go on, ask me something good! I dare you, haha.

Happy asking!

Aspie to NT, and Back Again

Be polite. Don't talk behind a person's back. Have a firm handshake. Learn to properly recognize the occurence of sarcasm and jokes. Learn to deliver sarcasm and jokes in an appropriate manner. Play coy. Don't butt into places you're not wanted. Don't drag the conversation down. Don't be a hermit. Don't draw unnecessary attention to yourself - hide that which makes you different.

As an Aspie in a Neurotypical world, I've had to, along with numerous other folks, learn how to blend in and not put a spotlight on my differences. From the outside I am what appears to be a perfectly average young woman, molded to a counter-culture which has become the norm (we're all hipsters here, espescially if you attend my school). I listen to alternative music with the occasional ironic hip-hop; I buy clothing from secondhand stores and H&M; I enjoy making fun of Justin Bieber and Ke$ha but am secretly fascinated by them - aren't we all?

To put it bluntly, I'm about as unique as a molecule of salt on a Big Mac. The only thing separating me from the rest of the world is the way my brain functions, and even that barrier is slowly starting to break down. My attractive appearance and (learned) pleasant disposition have either cancelled out my social mishaps, or have given me new opportunities to learn the ropes of socializing in an appropriate manner.

Though we all may moan about how our lives suck, I've been dealt a good hand, I guess.

In all of my learned appropriateness, however, the thing that haunts me to this day is the memory of being bullied. Yes, there was a time when I was disliked: death threats, harrassment, cyberbullying, you name it. I've been picked on for every feature on my body, every strange interest and/or social mishap, every honest mistake I've ever publicly made. Shit happens, you know how it goes. Everyone has their own sob story, and mine is no different from yours.

Perhaps my internal optimist stepped in, though, because while parents and teachers and therapists and guidance counselors and school officials were trying to change the structure of the school to make things easier for me, I wanted to relieve them of this pressure and change myself to fit in with my pre-existing environment. I resisted every accommodation that was made for me and instead turned myself into a chameleon.

Now, being socially malleable isn't so bad. I work well on teams and like to think that I am able to adapt to many social situations easily. I often appear eager and friendly. Being this way has made me flexible but flimsy - always wanting to please everybody but never having a backbone. Since I've taught myself to "go with the flow", I am often indecisive and may end up doing things that are unrealistic, or that I don't want to do.

Individuals who are bullied often take two routes: become severely depressed, or fight back with kindness. I've chosen the latter. While it is an arguably more pleasant and humane thing to do, falling under the teachings of virtue and goodness of most religions, I now realize I have set myself up for repulsion. I've become so sickeningly sweet that I repel many of my peers. I hold a strict moral code: never talk negatively about a person; never partake in the spreading of rumors; and never cheat, steal from, or deceive another person.

Though I've managed to protect myself from bullying, I've also managed to protect myself from having a fulfilling life, always living in the shadows of my fears, afraid to offend. I fear being an abrasive, obnoxious individual - but aren't those the people who get the furthest?

I need to re-learn some of my Aspie tendencies. Maybe I shouldn't shy away from talking about the Super Mario games if they're something I'm really passionate about. Besides, who the fuck cares how odd I am, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone? Such outspokenness will teach me to be more assertive, so I can maybe talk my way into getting a promotion at work or avoid being given bitch work because I'm so damn "easygoing".

It has taken me years to acquire the social understanding I have today. As far as outward appearances go, I've gone from Aspie to NT. Now, I think it's time to regress back to being the oddball. I'd rather things be that way.

Guys, we've got it good. Don't forget it.

Aspie Theatre Camp

When I reflect on my childhood into my adolescence, and think about the experiences I gained the most from, the performing arts are at the top of the list. Starting from the 5th grade, I was heavily into theatre. I think what drew me to it was seeing my sister, a natural, be the star onstage. It was fascinating seeing her transfer between completely different roles, all with ease.

I didn't get very many leads during my time doing theatre. With the small roles that I did get, however, I was able to step outside of myself and embody someone else. I really had to think about the motives of each character, their personality, behavior, and how they reacted to the other characters. Though shy in real life, onstage I can be outgoing, sensual, the life of the party, and many other things - all at once, even.

I learned how to socially progress and travel from one point to another. Theatre also taught me how to further empathize with others and understand other peoples' motives and not just my own.

Theatre, along with being an art form, can also be used as a testing ground for social interaction. I think this is why so many programs are being created that use theatre in a roleplay technique, to teach children with Autism Spectrum disorders how to socialize. It's a safe place to learn the right and wrong ways to interact, and it allows the actor to break out of his or her shell.

Because of theatre, I am no longer afraid of having the spotlight on me. I'm less inhibited and am not afraid to act silly and crazy in front of a lot of people. Acting has also taught me to take initiative, thereby helping to break the ice for others involved. I can attribute almost everything I know about human interaction from socializing at rehearsals and being onstage, in someone else's shoes. Theatre has helped me better understand the rules of social interaction.

This is why I think more theatre programs should be created, not even just for special needs children, but a safe place where children of all abilities can practice socializing and step outside of their comfort zone by using theatre as an outlet. A theatre program would also give a child common ground to socialize with other children about: it would give them another thing they have in common. I've always found I do my best in structured environments, and a theatre or improv program would be the perfect place for that. I find it a wonderful way to learn, and it goes hand-in-hand with Occupational Therapy in a child's enrichment.

I think a theatre program would be a great place for a parent to bring their autistic child. I learned so much from it, and I want others to experience the same. Just my two cents. What are your thoughts on theatre as a social skills teaching tool?

Autism in the media: Daniel Tammet

Dear 20/20: on behalf of the Autistic community I'd just like to thank you for featuring Daniel Tammet on your show. He is just one positive example of what someone on the Autism Spectrum can accomplish.

A select quote:

Daniel Tammet was born in London, in 1979, with congenital childhood epilepsy. A series of seizures as a young child changed forever the way Daniel saw the world around him. For one thing, Daniel was able to literally ‘see’ numbers in his head as if they were images. Not surprisingly, he quickly became proficient in number patterns, able to figure various roots, powers; even the decimal expansions for prime number fractions—often quicker than a friend with a calculator.

A high-functioning autistic savant, Daniel outgrew his disability. His astonishing mental skills however remained. As an example, following an invitation from organizers, he attended the largest ever ‘Memory Olympics’ in London in 2000. He won a gold medal and was subsequently invited to London’s Institute of Neurology to undergo tests for a landmark study of prodigious mental ability. The summarized data, co-written by some of Britain’s leading brain scientists, appeared in the New Year 2003 edition of the highly prestigious Natureneuro-scientific magazine.

- Wisconsin Medical Society

In the documentary, "The Boy with the Incredible Brain", Daniel discusses the way in which he solves mathematical equations: Because he has synesthesia, he sees every number as a shape with a particular color; every number in an equation will fit together, with the answer wedged in the middle. It is truly phenomenal what the brain can accomplish, even if we don't have brains such as Daniel's.

Here is a video of Daniel explaining his synesthesia:

Credits: ABCnews.go.com

On a dare, Daniel was also able to become fluent in Icelandic, one of the world's most difficult languages, in a week.

Not only am I proud to have people like Daniel to represent us on the Autism spectrum, I am pleased that news reporters have chosen to focus on his positive traits and the amazing things he's done, rather than his shortcomings. I'm proud of Daniel for stepping up and giving the world a wonderful view of what he can do, allowing us to step into the marvelous thing that is his mind. Hopefully this is a new age in the representation of Autism in the media. Autism Speaks, your days are numbered!

I'm also astonished that our brains can accomplish such incredible things. As humans, we are equipped with the capacity to do amazing things, far more than we are able to realize. Even if we can't memorize thousands of digits of Pi, we are able to create images and new dimensions that we ourselves can't even dream of. I'm often astonished by what I can create, including realizations and artwork. Never stop being amazed at your capacities!

Autism: The Musical

I just watched the documentary Autism: The Musical, which I found heartwarming and sweet. It's about a woman who decides to start a theatre group for children with Autism and their parents, called The Miracle Project. Inspired by her own son, Neal, who is non-verbal, she wishes to help reach out to other kids experiencing similar issues.

The viewer gets to know many different children, including Henry, a boy with Asperger's who has an obsession with dinosaurs; Wyatt, a highly-verbal boy who has trouble with bullies; Adam, a charming little boy who plays the cello and has tantrums every now and then; Lexi, a 14-year-old girl with a beautiful singing voice who enjoys mimicking others, as well as many other kids.

In the movie, the parents discuss what having a child with Autism can be like, and their fears and concerns for their child. There is also a visible transformation (especially from Lexi's mother) in some of the parents regarding their understanding of Autism, which I think is one of the most powerful things that can be presented in a film. It reminds us that there are still prejudices out there, that no matter what we do, Autism won't be universally understood for a long time.

This film is not idealistic; it is not trying to tear Autism apart. What Autism: The Musical does is present the viewer with the diverse ways in which Autism can manifest in an individual, as well as the struggles that individual may deal with on a daily basis. It also shows us how beautiful the life of an Autistic individual can be - full of passion and dedication, to start, and how it creates a change in that child's parents, who are able to see the world in a whole new way.

I can't begin to tell you how I relate to these children: I threw tantrums like Adam's. I was bullied, similarly to Wyatt. My childhood obsession with Pokemon is comparable to Henry's obsession with dinosaurs, and, like Neal, I can see the world in an entirely different way. Furthermore, I can only wish to experience Lexi's joy when she makes that endearing grin at the camera.

This film is a must-see for anyone on the Autism Spectrum, for parents of Autistic children, siblings, family members, educators, psychologists, therapists, social workers - even anyone with the slightest bit of curiosity or misunderstanding. If you're reading this blog right now, I urge you to see it, and encourage you to recommend it to someone who would learn a little something.

"I'm not strange, I'm just me"

I just came across this video, My Crazy Life, and it really made my day. The video focuses on the daily life of a 14-year-old boy, Reuben. who has Asperger's Syndrome, and his struggle to balance his quirks in a society filled with unwritten rules.

I can definitely relate to him - I've been through the same struggles growing up (and still experience them, come to think of it), and I really appreciate the outlook in which this video was based upon: that having Asperger's is a toss-up of wonderful traits and qualities that our society may seem as a little odd. In the documentary, Reuben is portrayed as an endearing, enthusiastic person whom I'm sure many would love to be friends with (myself included). It's also refreshing to see someone so excited to learn of his diagnosis, seeing it as an explanation for all of his quirky behavior. If mainstream culture can learn to view Asperger's and all other eccentricities in this light, then this would really help promote acceptance of those who would typically be pushed aside.

Here's Part One of Three:

Enjoy!

Kanye = Aspie?

So we all agree that Kanye is a dick... but here's a theory some have:

Does Kanye Have Asperger's?

Though clearly a joke, it's a poorly done one, and one that's making us Aspies look bad. Though I do have Asperger's, I wouldn't stand up in the middle of an award speech to complain about why the other nominee deserved to win, which is contrary to what the link implies. It's inappropriate and embarrassing, and while Aspies may not understand some social conduct here and there, this comparison is inaccurate and irrelevant.

Furthermore, it's an embarrassment on our behalf to compare us to someone as impulsive as Kanye West... if he is on the spectrum, he only represents a small percentage of everyone on the spectrum, if even. Furthermore, this argument could probably be made for ANYONE, it's really the combination of traits which determines whether a diagnosis applies or not.

I've made false assumptions of others being Aspies. I'm sure many people do. It doesn't mean it's true. Whether someone has a diagnosis or not is irrelevant: our ACTIONS are what define us as individuals. There are many facets to a single person, and observing those combinations of traits help us to determine whether the person is a decent human being.

This is why diagnoses are irrelevant in the social realm of things. They only aid us in stereotyping others far more than we need to. Get what I'm saying?

Epiphany.

I originally began this blog to help people step into the mind of someone with Asperger's Syndrome. I've been trying to promote neurodiversity, love, compassion, appreciation and self-respect. I've been trying to get out the message that everybody has a unique mind, and the Autism spectrum is just one tiny slice of the possible distinctions between every single mind out there. For those of you reading this, who are taking in my message, thank you.

However, I really shouldn't be keeping a blog in the first place. I'm just a random young woman who happens to fit into the specific diagnostic criteria for a condition that some people happen to have. I look exactly like every other 20 year old girl on the street, with the same interests and a similar mindset; I'm yet another pawn in the ever-changing army of pop culture, abiding to modern trends in order to not stand out like a sore thumb. I have no clue how my ideas could possibly be that different from anyone else's. Though I'm technically an adult, I still feel like I have a lot of growing up to do, and I have not seen nearly enough of life yet to be preaching ideas which I can hardly grasp myself.

I will still write in here, but I think I'm going to change my focus. I'm going to talk more about my daily interactions and things I'm learning instead of this one-sided preachy bullshit. Because brainwashing is what we're trying to fight, right? Conformity is both a best friend and an enemy, so I want to figure out ways to both embrace it while still remaining the same unique, brilliant individuals with savant-like grasps on subjects the rest of society is unable to focus on.

I'll admit it: my contact with fellow Aspies and Auties is fairly limited, but those I have met are very talented writers, artists, mathematicians, philosophers and thinkers. I'm still amazed by the ambition and devotion these friends of mine place into their field of work, and have no doubt that it will lead them to great happiness and fulfillment, no matter their unique path in getting there.

As my peers and I grow up (imagine the thought), we will learn new things, and maybe uncover something implausibly fantastic. But until then, we need to figure out what life really is.

The Way of the Aspie

Asperger's seems to be an issue of adaptation. We have trouble adjusting to new things, learning new social rules. We can't handle surprises or spur-of-the-moment things. Apart from seeing the world differently, I think a great deal of our awkwardness comes from discomfort in unfamiliar situations. 

You know what? That's okay. If we stick to the familiar, or work to decode the unknown, then we will be okay. This is the main thing that we have to deal with, and we will have to deal with it constantly, but it's good to know that things do get easier.

Inside the mind of an Aspie: Social Experiences and Appropriateness

I love having Asperger's, but some aspects of it can make life more difficult. Even though I love having heightened senses, being able to focus on something for extended periods of time, and being so passionate about something that others may ignore, there are still issues that go along with this condition.

Socializing is a big issue for me. Though I'm capable of learning how to socialize, I feel like I'm learning all of this a few years later than most Neurotypical individuals. Though I'm in college, I feel like I have the same social experiences as a 16 year old, it's all just delayed. I've progressed through a lot so far, but there's still a lot for me to experience that most of my friends have already had.

Then again, it's unfair to put social standards on milestones in a person's life. Everybody is different, and experiences different things at different times. I'm still learning how to socialize appropriately, while most of my friends are there, or at clearly work with some sort of social understanding. I can tell by their facial expressions, and when they stumble for words (probably thinking "she shouldn't have said this, it makes me uncomfortable"). From reading these cues, I can tell when I've done something wrong. These little cues have helped me to tell when I've accidentally blurted out something inappropriate. If the thing I've said is really bad, I'll usually find a time when I can pull the person I've addressed it to aside and apologize for my inappropriateness. This will inform the person that I'm aware that I did something wrong and that I'm not completely soul-less, so that I may remain in their circle of friends.

Another thing that puzzles me is when is it appropriate to discuss difficult situations? I went through a lot of hard things last year, and I can never tell when I can discuss these things with people. I'm always afraid of blurting out something to an acquaintance, with other people overhearing, because I don't want them to base this negativity on who I actually am as a person. I can't tell when people discuss them with me, because I feel like I have different social standards than everybody around me - what I consider to be a "friend" may be different than whom someone else may consider a "friend", and our perceptions of the closeness of that friendship are most likely completely different. Therefore, I don't know when to discuss unhappy things with people. I am a very happy person, most of the time, but I can be extremely cynical, and never experience steady emotions. I may appear perfectly stable from the outside, but inside my mind is rushing and, most likely, panicking. Nervous thoughts tend to circulate through, mostly about worrying whether what I've said is appropriate or not. It's something I need to learn how to control.

I have learned, however, some sort of basis for when to mention negative things. Here it is.

APPROPRIATE:

When you're alone with a very close friend

When you're with a few close friends

When any acquaintances are not nearby

NOT APPROPRIATE:

At a party, unless you pull a person aside

In a large social setting

At an event, fundraiser, dance, or anything of that kind

When a person you're going to say negative things about is nearby

Here is a short little list... I'm still working on it, and will be adding to it constantly. Let me know if you have anything to add to it!

NOTE: Let's talk about positive things... snow and gluten-free pancakes. Happy happy happy.

Peace, my friends.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how we progress in our communication with others: everyone, not just people with Asperger's, experience patterns of growth in our ability to communicate with others.

From what I've been experienced, I've become more social in the past month or two - I've never had those types of friends where it is just given that you will be spending time with them constantly, and now that I do, I've been listening to people gripe about their problems more, and it's made me realize how much I care about all of these people. Aspies aren't supposed to express empathy, right?

From this realization, I'm beginning to feel like social understanding, a desire to help others and empathy all go hand-in hand. According to what I've come to understand, as you learn to socialize better (through trial-and-error and experience), you realize that people like it when you help them, so it becomes a priority for you to help others. When I help people, it really means the world to me when I feel that I've made even the smallest difference in someone else's life. Good feelings circulate when you are in a decent relationship, so you feel compelled to do more good, and the other person in the relationship will enjoy doing something good to help you. It's really a win-win situation. 

I just find it interesting. For most of my life I've been completely apathetic about, well, everything - now I'm cheering up friends who are currently in difficult areas of life, and I'm helping them feel good about themselves. It's a nice change, because now lots of people are helping me as well. It's nice to know that this works both ways.

Just something to ponder. Try going out there and complimenting somebody on their shirt, or comparing them to a stunning celebrity. Flash a dazzling smile or share some candy with a friend. Once positivity is unleashed, it can really travel everywhere and make a difference. Maybe if we start being more positive and respectful, good things will happen. Wars, impulsivity, all the horribleness in the world could cease to exist. It's a bit far-fetched, but it's worth trying, right?

Beauty: We've Got It!

In little things that the average person may take for granted, such as the beauty and texture of nature, and the folds and drapes of a fabric, an Aspie is more likely to notice, and see its real beauty.

Drawing by Bernie, located here

One of the best things about having Asperger's is having an ability to percieve so much richness in the world. I often find myself becoming mesmerised by the way things go together, or resulting actions from how things exist. Right now, here is a knitted blanket next to me, which creates a beautiful wave-like sloping pattern based on the progression of purl and knit stitches. There are some intentional gaps in the piece that contribute to its real beauty, creating little knit strings that provide depth and really help to hold the blanket together. From there I look even closer and can see how this blanket was knit together, how each individual piece of yarn moves throughout the blanket in giving it its distinctive shape. 

I could get lost in things like this for hours, following the way blankets and tapestries move, the way they drape when they are hung a certain way, how a certain trim may pucker in places and give the tapestry in question wonderful depth. Following these ideas lead back to science - the pull of gravity, how lighter things pull less and heavier things really stretch; the balance of gravity (if a tapestry is hung in more than one place then its weight is distributed more evenly). Due to the science of gravity, towels are heavier and fall straight down in hardened circular folds, while lighter, airier fabrics sort of float in a way. In leather and fake leather, the intentionally stitched in folds that are almost geometric, while in an article of clothing made of soft cotton, its folds are based around the fabric's interaction with the body that's wearing it, and the stretch that body gives the article of clothing over time. 

I can't help but notice the movement of things: the way the lenses on glasses slope, the directional movement and composition of art, rock posters, even of the geometric hardness of an ironing board. I love the way roads twist and curve and how the angles of crosswalks change depending on where you are and how the traffic on that street moves. I love how when anything is given freedom to move, it does so in a beautiful way. When air flow is incorporated, things follow that movement and create something that is truly amazing. 

Above is an image of Andy Warhol's installation, Silver Clouds. On the Warhol museum website, a description of the piece reads: 

Created for a 1966 exhibition at the Leo Castelli Gallery, Warhol created an environment that included one room filled with Silver Clouds, helium-filled balloons which moved with the air currents. In addition to creating an ethereal, joyful atmosphere, they challenged traditional expectations by mingling with and touching the viewer.

Juding by the description of this piece, it's clear that Warhol got it. He incorporated movement, texture, direction and interaction into an exiting installation. Though it may be years before I'll get to travel to Pittsburgh (and not everyone can) to see this piece, anyone can recreate the sensations they may feel from it, just by drencing their senses in beauty and opening their eyes up a little wider to see how exactly the world can enrich our quality of life.

Never stop thinking, never close your eyes - there is so much out there, and if you really look out, you'll come across something truly spectacular. 

What is Asperger's were viewed as a strength?

Today I came across this article:

The Discovery of Aspie Criteria

It presents us with a wonderful thought: what if Asperger's were viewed in light of its strengths and not its weaknesses?

If this were the case, Asperger's Syndrome would have to be removed from the DSM-IV - it wouldn't be a disability anymore, which I really don't think it is to begin with. Individuals with Asperger's have helped to push advances in technology along so far, and have provided countless contributions to society, including those that are literary, technological and artistic.

Sure, Asperger's does have its weaknesses - a lack in social ability, stimming (possibly?) and motor clumsiness are a few. But with fascinations that often lead to a career, excellent study habits, a thriving persistence on whatever absorbs attention, and absolute honesty and loyalty, difficulties in social skills are nothing compared to the strengths that having Asperger's Syndrome can provide. Whenever a new advancement is made in years to come, there's a good chance that an Aspie will be behind it. Michelangelo, Albert Einstein, Thomas Jefferson, Mozart, Isaac Newton, the list goes on and on (for an extensive list of famous Aspies, click here).

Espescially in an age of watered-down culture, reality TV and cheap thrills, the unique mind of an Aspie is something to treasure. While many are forced to conform (I'll admit it - despite my weirdness, I have conformed to some degree), their minds are still intact, filled with innovative accomplishments and imaginative ideas. If we can hold onto this uniqueness, then great things will follow us. If such touchstones in our culture were created out of thin air by the quirky kids who may have been ridiculed in grade school, then we must be onto something great.

Though having Asperger's is very stressful, I've finally learned to see it from a whole new perspective. Maybe you will too, if you haven't already? To whoever cares to read this, I'm sure you possess something magnificent up there. Do me a favor, and please treasure it. It will be worth it!