Knitting

Today I started knitting a hat. I've got about two inches done thus far.

The part I've done has two colors, arranged in a mathematical sequence. I've designed it so that it can gradually transition from one color to the next, in a gradient. I think it's some variation of the fibonacci sequence. Here's how the transitional part goes:

knit 1 row

knit 7 stitches, knit 1 stitch -repeat for entire row

knit 3 stitches, knit 1 stitch - repeat

knit 1, knit 1 - repeat

(repeat in inverse order to transition to the other color)

I love knitting because it allows me to appear as a normal girl, yet it gives me free license to be a complete nerd. And let's face it, I'm in the arts - I don't get to be mathematical that often. Though I'm an aspie, and aspies are expected to be math-obsessed literal thinkers, I don't get to salivate over mathematical sequences often.

I'm so excited, that this is what I'd expect an orgasm to be like had I not been born asexual. This is like crack to me. This must be like the high Snooki gets from being punched - no exaggeration whatsoever.

I swear, I'm not putting down this hat until it's done. Mathematical sequences and all.

Awkward Non-Aspies, Part II

In continuation with a recent post, Don't Forget, I've decided to revisit the theme of neurotypical people with awkward or strange tendencies.

Miranda

Miranda is a girl I've known since we were toddlers. Our mothers are best friends, so it was expected that we would be, as well. Miranda is a few months older than me, and I remember her house was like a second home to me growing up. Miranda's mother is a wonderful person, very warm and welcoming- she would give up everything for the sake of your comfort. When we were moving they opened up their house to us for a good part of a summer. With such a nice family, I wonder where Miranda's bitter disposition came from.

I remember playing Power Rangers with her and her brother, and I was always shafted - though I wanted to be the Pink Ranger, Miranda always insisted on being the Pink Ranger, while I was the Yellow Ranger. Nothing against the Yellow Ranger (she was pretty awesome), but any diplomatic friend would have happily taken turns.

There's one perfect word to describe Miranda: she's cold. In all of the time I've spent with her, I could never read her emotions. Strikingly beautiful, everything about her was sharp, like ice. Her speech inflection could cut around jagged corners and poke someone's eye out. Though I was isolated in a mental bubble due to my Asperger's, my presence was very warm and soft. Even as a child I was told I had a meditative, zen-like presence.

So out of convenience, I spent a lot of time at Miranda's house growing up. She was never the type of person you could just "hang out" with - we'd always have the TV on, or we'd be playing video games. There would be some outside distraction to build a wall between us. That was fine with me. I always liked going over her house because her mom would give me all the junk food my parents wouldn't let me eat. I remember happily filling up on sugar over there - I think this is why I now have an insatiable sweet tooth.

Still, the TV couldn't create a wall between us forever. Little by little I became aware of Miranda's personality. I could never understand her sarcasm, and she'd roll her eyes at me when I was confused. She'd respond to my clueless comments with snappy retorts, and of course this confused me. I know now that her mother had told her about my Asperger's, but Miranda didn't seem to be willing to give me a chance.

I did many extracurriculur activities with Miranda while we were growing up - Girl Scouts, Ballet, Soccer, Theater Camp. In our spare time there would be many awkward pauses in conversation with her. Though at the time, I hadn't mastered the art of non-awkward conversation (and I still have a long way to go), I didn't have that hard of a time making friends. I did manage to gain superficial friendships with a few bubbly theatre geeks - that type of friendship is one I could handle just fine. But when society forced kids into cliques, I had trouble.

The summer before my Sophomore year of high school, we were at that same theatre camp, and Miranda and I found ourselves friends with a group of girls. There were five of us, and my naivete was overwhelmed by their uninhibited cattiness. Our group even had a name, that's how bad it was. They would talk about other kids behind their backs. There was a group of kids who were decidedly different - one boy who I later learned was also an aspie, a girl with a speech impediment, and one girl who was painfully shy. These girls were brutal to them. I didn't partake in making fun of these kids, but I didn't defend them either. I regret this.

I remember being upset by the way the girls were treating the other kids. Even though I was friends with a few of the kids that my so-called "friends" made fun of, I felt a distinct separation between us because I was "in". This was the exact mentality that I hated - I remember being on the other side at my public school, I was the one being bullied! What sort of messed-up world is this?

In time, things came between us. I had started dating one of her friends from her school, Miranda got upset, and even after her friend and I broke up (it was short-lived, anyway), she continued to ignore me, and wouldn't respond to my efforts at being friendly. Though this was easy to ignore since I had moved to another town, it was frustrating. What was so different about Miranda? There was just something I couldn't put my finger on. Her friendships with people at school revolved around obnoxious jokes and loudness, while mine revolved around shared interests. She had found a close group of friends from her school, and though I was acquainted with some of them and welcome to hang out with them, I still felt largely out of place.

We ended up growing apart, but it isn't something I regret. We'd occasionally talk throughout college, but Miranda remained her flat, emotionless self. To this day I have no clue if Miranda was consciously mean, or if she was just lacking emotion and warmth. Hell, I couldn't even tell if she was just cold or if I was turning her away with my awkwardness. Regardless of the cause of our drift, I am now aware of the type of person I get along with, and growing up with Miranda has helped me realize what traits that person has.

While I wish Miranda happiness, she isn't someone I will be turning to in times of distress. I have much warmer and more deserving friends for that. That's just life.

Rex, the Musical Savant

This is a wonderful story of how an individual's strengths can more than make up for their shortcomings. Compassion and patience are the building blocks of success. Who's to say that Rex is impaired?

I believe Rex will discover a rich future full of beautiful, original music. He will be able to find his way through the world through texture and noise. When you can perceive so much, the areas in which you are lacking don't really matter. I wish Rex and his mother all the love and happiness in the world.

Aspies and Cats

My cat does this thing when he's happy where he'll curl his front paws in and out. It reminds me of a stimming thing, as I do this with my toes too.

He also is very sensitive to noise. He'll run away when my mom drops something on accident, and if I stomp too loudly. He's afraid of the dishwasher, as well as my guitar. If he hears something noisy, he'll run away in panic.

He's terrified of new people. The only people he lets close to him are my immediate family and a few quiet, gentle friends. With us he is very loving and affectionate, but if we ever have a lot of people over, he'll hide, shaking under my mom's bed.

His motor skills aren't very good, either - he can't run in a small circle - he can only run in large, clumsy ones. He is constantly invading my other cat's personal space as well - he's socially awkward, like me.

My kitty and I have a lot in common. Sometimes I wonder if he's an aspie too.

Whether he is or not, though, we make a good team, and I'm happy to have someone in my life as eccentric as I am (even if he's a cat).

Don't Forget

Non-Aspies have awkward moments too!

I know a lot of people who tend to say or do things that make another person uncomfortable. This will happen completely on accident. There are different types of these:

The people who lack a sensor: My friend Emma is completely inappropriate, but so adorable and hilarious that you really don't care. She loves to slap her friend's asses, or give "boob kisses", and a typical comment from her will be (if your shirt is wet), "aww, you look like you're lactating!" (meant affectionately, mind you.)

When I first met Emma, I was completely taken aback by her bluntness, but then realized that some of the unspoken social rules in our society don't make sense. Plus, spending time with her is exciting - it's refreshing to drop all of the filters you are used to accumulating in everyday interactions. It's nice to have a friend who regularly challenges these rules, whether she realizes it or not!

The people who lack boundaries: two of my roommates started cleaning my room when I wasn't home and a potential subletter was coming over that night. Neither of them are on the Autism Spectrum. All I did was politely explain to them that it was an invasion of personal space, and to either wait for me or let me know if they feel compelled to do this in the future.

While their actions did make me uncomfortable, it made me realize: non-aspies mess up too. Social awkwardness is universal. Who cares?

A person's unique disposition: I have a classmate, Ashley, who is not like other girls I know. As far as I know she doesn't have Asperger's, but her personality is very unique when compared to the rest of my peers. She is very mellow, has a smooth-sounding voice, and always appears very relaxed. Almost every statement she makes ends with a laugh (amused? uncomfortable? I can't really tell.) and a sigh. There are occasionally awkward pauses in conversation with her, but when spending time with her I generally feel like I am in good company, as she is very pleasant to be around.

A number of my peers have attempted to explain Ashley's eccentricities. Some have stated that it's based on her geographic origin, as the majority of us are local, and our city is notorious for being obnoxious, uptight, and constantly stressed.

I don't know why Ashley is so unique, but it's nice to see someone who is so pleasantly calm all the time. I once had a conversation with her about being a design student, and the stresses that go along with it. She told me, "I've never had to think so much about things as I have this year." - followed by her trademark laugh and sigh, of course. I understood how she felt completely - could it be anxiety, general stress? Who knows?

The fact is, as much as we like to pretend, no one has everything together. Other people also question things constantly, and worry a lot. Though my psychiatrist likes to attribute this trait of mine to having Asperger's, I attribute it to being an American. We're stressed people! It's really an issue if everyone from a culture feels this way. I think we should work on trying to fix the culture from the inside and not the individuals.

There are other people like us: My friend Bobby is one in a million. I also think he has Asperger's, but I don't tend to dwell on this possibility - we are all unique, after all. Another friend described him as a "friendly floater" - he is acquaintances with everyone, but is not particularly close with any one group of people. Whether he realizes it or not, he is defying our culture's basis for social standards, which I think is really awesome.

Bobby is the master of the calm, one-sided speech. He loves to talk. He has a really great baritone-esque voice- he would make a great voice actor - but he will talk nonstop about the most random things. He tends to have some awkward pauses here and there, and conversations with him don't tend to follow the typical vapid quality that I experience with most friends in passing (where the person acts like they care, but they really don't). Unfortunately, a lot of people are uncomfortable around Bobby, just because his presence makes you question our society's social rules. Lame, right?

The thing about Bobby, though, is that he is one of the most genuine people I know. He spends all of his time doing community service, helping people, giving without any expectation of his thoughtfulness being returned. He loves to bake food for all of his friends, and I feel like other people take his big heart for granted. He is very trusting, probably too trusting - I feel like he is very easily manipuated.

While it would be beneficial for him to learn to read people better, I think that it is nice to see that not all people are robots of one another, and that not all people try to be like everyone else. People like Bobby are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise clone-like society. I just hope that being aware of his presence will allow others to embrace their own eccentricities.

Moral of the story? NOT ALL AWKWARD PEOPLE ARE ASPIES. We are not the trademark of eccentric. Other people exist who are equally unique. Non-Aspies question social rules and feel as if they are awkward, too. The fact that people like this exist make me feel relieved.

Stay unique, everyone.

I made a Formspring!

While I think some aspects of social media are a bit ridiculous, I figured it could be cool in case any of you would like to get an Aspie's perspective on things. You can be anonymous, and I'm anonymous, so really, what have we got to lose?

All I ask is that you be respectful. Not too hard, right?

Ask an Aspie!

Some example questions: Do you stim? What do you think the good things about being an aspie are? What are some aspie-friendly activities to do while on a date?

Go on, ask me something good! I dare you, haha.

Happy asking!

Social Commentary Through Fox's "Glee"

Okay, I'll admit it: I'm a total gleek. I adore this show, not just because the spontaneous songs remind me of my high school musical theatre days, or because of the silly humor, but because of the awareness of others that Glee is cultivating.

I believe Ryan Murphy's main goal in creating this show has to do with spreading the ideals of social justice. A lot of season 1 is based around Quinn's hardships in being a pregnant teen, while the majority of season 2 has dealt with the adversity Kurt has dealt with in being an openly gay teen in a midwestern town. Within these stories, there are plenty of smaller plots based around the need for self-acceptance and loving oneself.

The show has done a good job of bringing in characters of all different backgrounds, and while not every type of individual is represented, most every viewer will be able to find a character whom they can relate to. I can see a lot of myself in both Tina and Kurt. Even though Tina's character has been neglected this past season, I found myself hiding behind my shyness like she has, and it is nice to see her come out of her shell. With Kurt, I can relate a lot to the bullying storyline, as well as to the feeling of being impossibly different - In the episode Laryngitis, Kurt tried to put on an act of being a heterosexual, John Mellencamp fan, modeled after his father, but he realized that his efforts were futile, as this wasn't who he really was. I feel like my entire four years of high school consisted of me adopting different identities, trying to be someone I'm not. I'm sure everyone can relate to this story.

I know a lot of critics are angry at Glee for pushing the "liberal agenda", but tell me this: how is spreading hatred okay? I don't care if the bible tells you homosexuality is wrong. If it encourages the condemnation of any group then I don't care what book you're following, I will only see your hostility.

This show's critics need to understand that aside from the fluffy songs, these are experiences that real people go through at some point in their lives. If anything, we should be glad that such a show exists because it helps educate viewers on accepting others and oneself.

Glee doesn't look down on any characters for being different. Artie is seen as equal to the rest of the kids despite being paralyzed from the waist down- he's even able to play on the football team. Becky Jackson, a cheerleader who has Down's Syndrome, is treated with the same respect as any other student. The only character whose actions are discouraged against are those of Dave Karofsky's - but even then, his bullying is met with empathy, as well as hope that he can learn to accept his own homosexuality.

With all of this work toward social justice, though, it makes me wish for a character with Asperger's Syndrome. I know you can't have your cake and eat it too, but COME ON PRODUERS, MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Still in doubt of the good this show can do? Then check out this tumblr. Happy viewing!

An Open Letter

Dear Freshman Year Roommate,

Hi, it's been a while. I know you're about to transition into a new chapter of your life that you're far too young for, but I just wanted to tell you that I came to a conclusion about the time we lived together.

Yes - two years ago. That dreaded year. We were both new to college, neither of us knew anyone. I was friendly, you told me outright that you were a loner. I'm a loner too, so that was fine with me. Little did I know that "I'm a loner" translated to "I'm a loner because I dwell on my problems and create new ones for others."

That didn't stop me from trying to be your friend. Though I was a horrible roommate, I made countless efforts to be considerate, ask you how your day went- I even make you a sweet birthday present. I was determined to be a good friend, despite your efforts at being a bad one. I never you would perceive that behavior as a nuisance.

Well, guess what? You're THE ONLY one who saw my friendliness as a nuisance. Now, I know my constant doting affection may have seemed inappropriate at times, especially when you were rude to me. I can't tell if this was my Asperger's or sheer determination taking control here, nor do I care. I don't know if your misfortune or constant negativity are to blame for your rudeness, but moping and whining won't get you anywhere. Who cares if all you see in life is pain? YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THAT. Grab life by the balls. What goes around comes around, my dear.

I just wanted to thank you. After two years of constantly worrying about something that was long past, about someone I'll never have to see again, I've finally realized, that: despite the fact that living with you was an absolute nightmare, I now know that I should never settle for having shitty people in my life. I better understand that if something sucks, GET OUT OF IT. Being helplessly dragged around doesn't pay off in the long run. Furthermore, because I trudged through the dreaded misfortune of living with you, I know now how to NOT treat people, and I know how to be a wonderful roommate. This is why I hadn't had a negative rooming situation in the two years after I lived with you.

Because I lived with you, I better understand how to make the most out of the relationships I have in my life. Because of the respect I treat others with, I have wonderful friends, and my life isn't nearly as painful as it could have turned out. I also have a better understanding of who is a true friend and who isn't, and who to treat with the respect and good fortune I love to spread around.

I'm pleased to report that in all of my 21 years, I've never been happier, and things are just looking up. I don't know if I'd be in such a great state if I hadn't lived with you. Sure, it sucked, but I'm a better person than I've ever been. And even though, based on the way you treat people, you're probably subject to a life of misery and pain; I hope you've learned something beneficiary from living with me, even if it does equate to "avoid bubbly liberal-minded girls who want to be your friend." If you perceive that as an important life lesson for yourself, then good for you. To each her own, my friend.

In summary, we learn from our mistakes. I now know who to embrace and who to avoid from having spent time with you. Isn't life great?

Wishing you happiness, even if your pain is your happiness-

Pink

Autism in the media: Daniel Tammet

Dear 20/20: on behalf of the Autistic community I'd just like to thank you for featuring Daniel Tammet on your show. He is just one positive example of what someone on the Autism Spectrum can accomplish.

A select quote:

Daniel Tammet was born in London, in 1979, with congenital childhood epilepsy. A series of seizures as a young child changed forever the way Daniel saw the world around him. For one thing, Daniel was able to literally ‘see’ numbers in his head as if they were images. Not surprisingly, he quickly became proficient in number patterns, able to figure various roots, powers; even the decimal expansions for prime number fractions—often quicker than a friend with a calculator.

A high-functioning autistic savant, Daniel outgrew his disability. His astonishing mental skills however remained. As an example, following an invitation from organizers, he attended the largest ever ‘Memory Olympics’ in London in 2000. He won a gold medal and was subsequently invited to London’s Institute of Neurology to undergo tests for a landmark study of prodigious mental ability. The summarized data, co-written by some of Britain’s leading brain scientists, appeared in the New Year 2003 edition of the highly prestigious Natureneuro-scientific magazine.

- Wisconsin Medical Society

In the documentary, "The Boy with the Incredible Brain", Daniel discusses the way in which he solves mathematical equations: Because he has synesthesia, he sees every number as a shape with a particular color; every number in an equation will fit together, with the answer wedged in the middle. It is truly phenomenal what the brain can accomplish, even if we don't have brains such as Daniel's.

Here is a video of Daniel explaining his synesthesia:

Credits: ABCnews.go.com

On a dare, Daniel was also able to become fluent in Icelandic, one of the world's most difficult languages, in a week.

Not only am I proud to have people like Daniel to represent us on the Autism spectrum, I am pleased that news reporters have chosen to focus on his positive traits and the amazing things he's done, rather than his shortcomings. I'm proud of Daniel for stepping up and giving the world a wonderful view of what he can do, allowing us to step into the marvelous thing that is his mind. Hopefully this is a new age in the representation of Autism in the media. Autism Speaks, your days are numbered!

I'm also astonished that our brains can accomplish such incredible things. As humans, we are equipped with the capacity to do amazing things, far more than we are able to realize. Even if we can't memorize thousands of digits of Pi, we are able to create images and new dimensions that we ourselves can't even dream of. I'm often astonished by what I can create, including realizations and artwork. Never stop being amazed at your capacities!

Experiences and Cultural Perspective

I just had the most intense class discussion in my life. We were overviewing a case study involving some very uncomfortable, taboo subject matter and its involvement with the legal system. Perhaps I'll go into further detail at a later date, but it was nonetheless a very difficult subject to discuss, and I remember being at my feet the whole time wishing the situation in question could have been different.

Part of the case involves a woman making a decision about whether her son should plead guilty to challenge the immense charges placed against him, and she encouraged him to plead guilty because it would mean a lighter sentence, regardless of whether he was innocent or guilty. Many of my fellow classmates couldn't understand this, and tried to challenge the decision made with arguments such as, "she knows he's innocent; why doesn't he try to fight for justice?"

Also, among the difficult footage shown was an anonymous testimony of a victim to these crimes - desipte his face being blacked out, he seemed very relaxed to the point where it was unsettling. A bunch of us in class laughed, because his gestures and the way in which his body was formed was almost sexual in nature. In contradiction with the information he was giving in the interview, his body language was inappropriate, and, as a result of the discomfort in all of us, instilled laughter among my classmates.

One of my classmates- and I'll never forget this - actually challenged our responses. She spoke up, saying something along the lines of: "I just have to say that I'm ashamed of all of you. I don't understand why you're laughing at all of this - this is very disturbing footage, and being a mother myself, I feel compelled to think hard about what would be best for my child if I were in that situation instead of sitting back and laughing, detatching myself from the harsh reality of what these people are going through."

I could see the pain in her eyes, the emotion she was trying to hold back - it was a difficult thing to say, and I don't know if I could have done the same. At the end of the class, she even broke out in tears, feeling so hurt by how our culture has trained us to handle pain. At this moment, after years of feeling blank in life experience and emotional span, I've felt more compassion for somebody than I ever thought I'd be capable of. Compassion for the woman and her son, for my classmate who dared to speak up, for my fellow classmates and everyone around me, anyone who's ever hurt me or instilled emotion into me directly. It's there, and I've never been so certain of this until now.

This has brought many interesting thoughts in my mind. I've never thought much about how American society has taught us to respond to difficult things. Many of us lead such a comfortable life that we don't know what it would be like if something devastating happened to us. A lot of us are unable to place ourselves in others shoes, and so because we don't know how to respond, we laugh. Though it may be inappropriate, it's the only thing we can think of doing.

I think that, as a society, we need to be mindful of the fact that others may not have had the same experiences that we've had, and to think objectively about the social standards that are instilled in us at an early age. We need to question, "in my point of view, is this right?" rather than "is this what's acceptable at a societal standpoint?" These questions in themselves surround a lot of biases, but who's to say what's really right? It is not up to our peers and colleagues to make that call, it is up to us.

It is up to YOU to decide what you believe, whatever those beliefs are. So don't sell yourself short.

Autism: The Musical

I just watched the documentary Autism: The Musical, which I found heartwarming and sweet. It's about a woman who decides to start a theatre group for children with Autism and their parents, called The Miracle Project. Inspired by her own son, Neal, who is non-verbal, she wishes to help reach out to other kids experiencing similar issues.

The viewer gets to know many different children, including Henry, a boy with Asperger's who has an obsession with dinosaurs; Wyatt, a highly-verbal boy who has trouble with bullies; Adam, a charming little boy who plays the cello and has tantrums every now and then; Lexi, a 14-year-old girl with a beautiful singing voice who enjoys mimicking others, as well as many other kids.

In the movie, the parents discuss what having a child with Autism can be like, and their fears and concerns for their child. There is also a visible transformation (especially from Lexi's mother) in some of the parents regarding their understanding of Autism, which I think is one of the most powerful things that can be presented in a film. It reminds us that there are still prejudices out there, that no matter what we do, Autism won't be universally understood for a long time.

This film is not idealistic; it is not trying to tear Autism apart. What Autism: The Musical does is present the viewer with the diverse ways in which Autism can manifest in an individual, as well as the struggles that individual may deal with on a daily basis. It also shows us how beautiful the life of an Autistic individual can be - full of passion and dedication, to start, and how it creates a change in that child's parents, who are able to see the world in a whole new way.

I can't begin to tell you how I relate to these children: I threw tantrums like Adam's. I was bullied, similarly to Wyatt. My childhood obsession with Pokemon is comparable to Henry's obsession with dinosaurs, and, like Neal, I can see the world in an entirely different way. Furthermore, I can only wish to experience Lexi's joy when she makes that endearing grin at the camera.

This film is a must-see for anyone on the Autism Spectrum, for parents of Autistic children, siblings, family members, educators, psychologists, therapists, social workers - even anyone with the slightest bit of curiosity or misunderstanding. If you're reading this blog right now, I urge you to see it, and encourage you to recommend it to someone who would learn a little something.

Why I Won't be Walking.

So the Walk for Autism Research is coming up in my area soon. I'm not participating: here's why.

The walk is sponsored by Autism Speaks, an organization that is one of the main supporters of Autism reasearch. Here is a quote from their mission statement :

We are dedicated to funding global biomedical research into the causes, prevention, treatments, and cure for autism; to raising public awareness about autism and its effects on individuals, families, and society; and to bringing hope to all who deal with the hardships of this disorder.

Honestly, I'm glad a group like this exists. I am curious as to where Autism comes from; I'd like ANSWERS rather than mere speculations, though with time, I bet all we'll get is a strongly supported theory. That's all right. We already know there are truly no solid answers in science; we can live with this.

The part that really gets me is when they discuss wishing to "raise public awareness about autism and its effects on individuals, families, and society; and to bringing hope to all who deal with the hardships of this disorder."

Uh, WHAT? Public awareness is fine, just as long as it's in the right context and it displays the right information. What really bothers me is the portrayal of Autism as a disorder. I know you've heard this from me endlessly, but to be quite frank:

AUTISM IS NOT A DISORDER. Social conditioning and our society's take on what is "normal" blows our perceptions of Autism to extremes. Anyone who is slightly different, in the eyes of our society, has a disorder, or even worse, a disease.

I feel like the awareness of Autism is being blown to epidemic proportions. Here's a conversation I had at home the other day with my parents:

Dad: Apparently the number of kids diagnosed with Autism has gone up to 1 in every 98 kids.

Mom: That's awful!

Me: Well, at least they're getting better at diagnosing it...

I love my parents. They're wonderful people, and I wouldn't be where I am today without them. Their views are just something I don't support. Yes, they agree with the whole "Autism Speaks is a Godsend" deal. Despite having done a lot of work in support of Autism in our area (they completely re-vamped my area's education system and helped it grow when I came along), I just don't agree with a lot of things they say about "curing" Autism.

Just because Autism differs from what the standard for "normal" or "typical" is in our society, apparently makes it a disorder! Well, maybe some peoples' brains work differently, ever thought about that? Maybe the kid who is a scientific genuis today but has no friends due to being "lost in space" will one day cure cancer. I know individuals on the Autism spectrum who are some of the most brilliant people I've ever met. I know individuals who are brilliant who don't have anything close to Autism. It's all how you see it.

In conclusion, I do have a form of Autism, but I'm a functioning member of society. I am capable of survival. This is why I don't want to participate in any Autism Awareness events; I want to be seen for who I am, and not as a part of some growing "epidemic". So sorry, I won't be joining you on "Walk for Autism" day. Autism Speaks can suck my dick.

Sound and Vision.

I love the way my eyes refocus when the lights are turned off, so that all I see are a kaleidoscope of colors.

I love exploring blind spots and visual distortions. 

I love closing my eyes into my pillow when I'm in bed and seeing floating neon shapes. 

I love looking at one color and seeing twelve within.

I love seeing rainbows be reflected into the most unexpected objects, such as a wine glass. 

I love seeing fabrics fold and drape, creating new dimension and telling new stories.

I love getting lost in fabric prints and paint textures. 

I love old photographs where the darkest colors are tinted blue and everything looks distorted. I wish we saw things this way. 

I love looking into static air and space, and seeing how the air even comes to life as a sort of visual fuzz. But maybe that's just me.

I would much rather be deaf than blind. I prefer staring into the sun over hearing a foghorn.

I love exploring my world through vision. I feel like a visual world can say far more than a verbal world ever could, and it's a beautiful thing. 

I would like to apologize in advance for the upcoming bit of whiny bitterness.

I can't tell how accurately I percieve the world around me. I know I notice most things, but unless I'm directly told about something then it seems there's no way for me to know, unless it's blatantly obvious. I feel like I'm oblivious to certain things I shouldn't be, while I'm more aware of things that most people don't give a damn about. Things seem to slip by, as if my head isn't turned the right way at the right moment, the moment where everybody learns and I don't.

It's a struggle, a somewhat unnecessary one. I now know how to be socially appropriate, but I can't figure out where relationships stand among my peers. Is it this "social blindness" I keep hearing about for those on the Autistic Spectrum? I thought I managed to avoid that, but now I'm not so sure.

It's a shame that we can't be aware of what we're unaware of. My relationship to my environment seems to slip every now and then, and things seem to happen that completely pass me by. I wish I could have an outside source to tell me of all these things - someone who perceives everything I can't. Oh, life would be so much easier.

How can you tell how other people pick up on things as opposed to you? I wish I could compare notes with other people. Then again, nobody is perfectly normal, and everyone's brains work in different ways. I know mine functions on the drastically opposite end of the spectrum than the average, neurotypical individual's, but I wish there were a standard at which to compare these things to, if you get what I'm saying.

I apologize if I sound a bit whiny today, but I wish the filter in my brain didn't stand all alone. I wish there were a giant pool of information for everybody to share, to use as they please. I guess all we can do is try to hold on to our ever-changing social world, right?

I know I'm not the only person out there who thinks about this... for the few of you who actually read this blog, what do you think?

Beauty: We've Got It!

In little things that the average person may take for granted, such as the beauty and texture of nature, and the folds and drapes of a fabric, an Aspie is more likely to notice, and see its real beauty.

Drawing by Bernie, located here

One of the best things about having Asperger's is having an ability to percieve so much richness in the world. I often find myself becoming mesmerised by the way things go together, or resulting actions from how things exist. Right now, here is a knitted blanket next to me, which creates a beautiful wave-like sloping pattern based on the progression of purl and knit stitches. There are some intentional gaps in the piece that contribute to its real beauty, creating little knit strings that provide depth and really help to hold the blanket together. From there I look even closer and can see how this blanket was knit together, how each individual piece of yarn moves throughout the blanket in giving it its distinctive shape. 

I could get lost in things like this for hours, following the way blankets and tapestries move, the way they drape when they are hung a certain way, how a certain trim may pucker in places and give the tapestry in question wonderful depth. Following these ideas lead back to science - the pull of gravity, how lighter things pull less and heavier things really stretch; the balance of gravity (if a tapestry is hung in more than one place then its weight is distributed more evenly). Due to the science of gravity, towels are heavier and fall straight down in hardened circular folds, while lighter, airier fabrics sort of float in a way. In leather and fake leather, the intentionally stitched in folds that are almost geometric, while in an article of clothing made of soft cotton, its folds are based around the fabric's interaction with the body that's wearing it, and the stretch that body gives the article of clothing over time. 

I can't help but notice the movement of things: the way the lenses on glasses slope, the directional movement and composition of art, rock posters, even of the geometric hardness of an ironing board. I love the way roads twist and curve and how the angles of crosswalks change depending on where you are and how the traffic on that street moves. I love how when anything is given freedom to move, it does so in a beautiful way. When air flow is incorporated, things follow that movement and create something that is truly amazing. 

Above is an image of Andy Warhol's installation, Silver Clouds. On the Warhol museum website, a description of the piece reads: 

Created for a 1966 exhibition at the Leo Castelli Gallery, Warhol created an environment that included one room filled with Silver Clouds, helium-filled balloons which moved with the air currents. In addition to creating an ethereal, joyful atmosphere, they challenged traditional expectations by mingling with and touching the viewer.

Juding by the description of this piece, it's clear that Warhol got it. He incorporated movement, texture, direction and interaction into an exiting installation. Though it may be years before I'll get to travel to Pittsburgh (and not everyone can) to see this piece, anyone can recreate the sensations they may feel from it, just by drencing their senses in beauty and opening their eyes up a little wider to see how exactly the world can enrich our quality of life.

Never stop thinking, never close your eyes - there is so much out there, and if you really look out, you'll come across something truly spectacular.