An Open Letter

Dear Freshman Year Roommate,

Hi, it's been a while. I know you're about to transition into a new chapter of your life that you're far too young for, but I just wanted to tell you that I came to a conclusion about the time we lived together.

Yes - two years ago. That dreaded year. We were both new to college, neither of us knew anyone. I was friendly, you told me outright that you were a loner. I'm a loner too, so that was fine with me. Little did I know that "I'm a loner" translated to "I'm a loner because I dwell on my problems and create new ones for others."

That didn't stop me from trying to be your friend. Though I was a horrible roommate, I made countless efforts to be considerate, ask you how your day went- I even make you a sweet birthday present. I was determined to be a good friend, despite your efforts at being a bad one. I never you would perceive that behavior as a nuisance.

Well, guess what? You're THE ONLY one who saw my friendliness as a nuisance. Now, I know my constant doting affection may have seemed inappropriate at times, especially when you were rude to me. I can't tell if this was my Asperger's or sheer determination taking control here, nor do I care. I don't know if your misfortune or constant negativity are to blame for your rudeness, but moping and whining won't get you anywhere. Who cares if all you see in life is pain? YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THAT. Grab life by the balls. What goes around comes around, my dear.

I just wanted to thank you. After two years of constantly worrying about something that was long past, about someone I'll never have to see again, I've finally realized, that: despite the fact that living with you was an absolute nightmare, I now know that I should never settle for having shitty people in my life. I better understand that if something sucks, GET OUT OF IT. Being helplessly dragged around doesn't pay off in the long run. Furthermore, because I trudged through the dreaded misfortune of living with you, I know now how to NOT treat people, and I know how to be a wonderful roommate. This is why I hadn't had a negative rooming situation in the two years after I lived with you.

Because I lived with you, I better understand how to make the most out of the relationships I have in my life. Because of the respect I treat others with, I have wonderful friends, and my life isn't nearly as painful as it could have turned out. I also have a better understanding of who is a true friend and who isn't, and who to treat with the respect and good fortune I love to spread around.

I'm pleased to report that in all of my 21 years, I've never been happier, and things are just looking up. I don't know if I'd be in such a great state if I hadn't lived with you. Sure, it sucked, but I'm a better person than I've ever been. And even though, based on the way you treat people, you're probably subject to a life of misery and pain; I hope you've learned something beneficiary from living with me, even if it does equate to "avoid bubbly liberal-minded girls who want to be your friend." If you perceive that as an important life lesson for yourself, then good for you. To each her own, my friend.

In summary, we learn from our mistakes. I now know who to embrace and who to avoid from having spent time with you. Isn't life great?

Wishing you happiness, even if your pain is your happiness-

Pink

Experiences and Cultural Perspective

I just had the most intense class discussion in my life. We were overviewing a case study involving some very uncomfortable, taboo subject matter and its involvement with the legal system. Perhaps I'll go into further detail at a later date, but it was nonetheless a very difficult subject to discuss, and I remember being at my feet the whole time wishing the situation in question could have been different.

Part of the case involves a woman making a decision about whether her son should plead guilty to challenge the immense charges placed against him, and she encouraged him to plead guilty because it would mean a lighter sentence, regardless of whether he was innocent or guilty. Many of my fellow classmates couldn't understand this, and tried to challenge the decision made with arguments such as, "she knows he's innocent; why doesn't he try to fight for justice?"

Also, among the difficult footage shown was an anonymous testimony of a victim to these crimes - desipte his face being blacked out, he seemed very relaxed to the point where it was unsettling. A bunch of us in class laughed, because his gestures and the way in which his body was formed was almost sexual in nature. In contradiction with the information he was giving in the interview, his body language was inappropriate, and, as a result of the discomfort in all of us, instilled laughter among my classmates.

One of my classmates- and I'll never forget this - actually challenged our responses. She spoke up, saying something along the lines of: "I just have to say that I'm ashamed of all of you. I don't understand why you're laughing at all of this - this is very disturbing footage, and being a mother myself, I feel compelled to think hard about what would be best for my child if I were in that situation instead of sitting back and laughing, detatching myself from the harsh reality of what these people are going through."

I could see the pain in her eyes, the emotion she was trying to hold back - it was a difficult thing to say, and I don't know if I could have done the same. At the end of the class, she even broke out in tears, feeling so hurt by how our culture has trained us to handle pain. At this moment, after years of feeling blank in life experience and emotional span, I've felt more compassion for somebody than I ever thought I'd be capable of. Compassion for the woman and her son, for my classmate who dared to speak up, for my fellow classmates and everyone around me, anyone who's ever hurt me or instilled emotion into me directly. It's there, and I've never been so certain of this until now.

This has brought many interesting thoughts in my mind. I've never thought much about how American society has taught us to respond to difficult things. Many of us lead such a comfortable life that we don't know what it would be like if something devastating happened to us. A lot of us are unable to place ourselves in others shoes, and so because we don't know how to respond, we laugh. Though it may be inappropriate, it's the only thing we can think of doing.

I think that, as a society, we need to be mindful of the fact that others may not have had the same experiences that we've had, and to think objectively about the social standards that are instilled in us at an early age. We need to question, "in my point of view, is this right?" rather than "is this what's acceptable at a societal standpoint?" These questions in themselves surround a lot of biases, but who's to say what's really right? It is not up to our peers and colleagues to make that call, it is up to us.

It is up to YOU to decide what you believe, whatever those beliefs are. So don't sell yourself short.

Cyber Bullying: Don't Let it Happen!

Technology is a scary, scary thing.

As a former victim of cyber bullying, I urge everyone reading this, regardless of age or standing in life:

PLEASE don't go through this alone.

If you are a student, please alert a parent or guardian about this, so they can alert the school or the bully's parents and take care of the situation. Don't, and I repeat, DON'T KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Others care only for your safety and you are not an inconvenience to anybody since all you want is to appreciate who you are and not be forced to believe otherwise.

Too many cyberbullying stories end with the victim being emotionally scarred, depressed or even suicidal. We don't need anymore suicides to happen, and if anyone believes otherwise then they need plenty of psychiatric help.

If you are recieving any threatening messages, then save the message as evidence and block the person from communicating with you by any means possible - even if this means changing your phone number or screen name - your safety is more important! Show these messages to a parent, teacher, police officer or any authority available; they can help you.

You don't deserve to suffer. When it was happening to me, I didn't have the common sense to tell my parents about it at the time, which was a HUGE mistake.

Do me a favor, and please don't make the same mistakes that I have. Tell somebody who can make a difference. Everybody deserves to live a happy life, and it is our responsibility to eliminate those things from our lives that tarnish them. Please be cautious, responsible, and happy.

More information on Cyber Bullying:

A Cyber Bullying Primer: Myspace Information for Parents

STOP Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying.us

iSafe on Cyber Bullying

Hate.

It's all around us. It fuels wars, feeds to our desires to hurt others, and subsequently, doesn't do us any good. Why, then, do we have to hate?

Apart from pure joy, I've always found strong emotions to be a little bit scary. Strong hate tends to run deep, is irreversible, and is capable of creating damage which cannot be fixed - all as a result of a few wrong words that are said. Silly, isn't it?

Few people in the world actually gain satisfaction from hurting others: these people need to be avoided at all costs.

In all honesty, where does hate get you? Nowhere! If you are the type of person to express dissatisfaction over everything, then you will bring people down; nobody likes this. If you spread rumors about others for your own personal gain, then not only will people not trust you, but they will question your intentions and you will repel them. 

Angst and apathy may seem trendy, but happiness, honesty and respect are traits that people want to have in their lives. Please bring these. If someone has done you wrong, then don't let the entire world know; make sure you deal with the person directly, and make sure the other peson does the same. This way, the problem doesn't have to elevate into something far worse that it could be.  If the whole world ends up knowing, then you are honestly making everybody suffer. People will make judgements that they aren't qualified to make (considering they will most likely be hearing one side of the story). I've experienced this at its most intense existence: not worth it.

Likewise, if you try your best to bring the most positivity, it will be reflected in your quality of life. You will experience the most happiness that you have ever experienced, and those that are close to you will reflect this happiness. Of course, people may get hurt when necessary, like during a break-up or when somebody is laid off from their job, but this is just life, not malicious harm.

Please, do me a favor, and stop talking shit about other people. It's a sign of weakness, and it's not worth the results. If you don't like somebody than you can keep it to yourself. Our planet has enough conflict, we don't need to add any more. 

Silent Feuds, because you can?

Today I would like to discuss something that has been bothering me for quite some time: unspoken feuds. These are feuds that are built on assumptions, rumors, or anything that you hear from a source other than the person involved.

These are often the worst kinds of fights. I feel as if the two people involved will avoid addressing the subject at hand, and therefore tension just builds up. It's horrible, and it only happens because the two individuals will wish to avoid hurting the other person's feelings, or will assume that "if I don't say anything, it's not real." Maybe one person is hoping the other will approach them about something and wait for everything to blow over. Either way, it's almost unbearable to deal with.

I feel like this is an important issue for those of us with Asperger's, because life is a constant learning process, and our lack of experience on dealing with sticky situations often results in a tense state of uncertainty where we don't know what to do, but are afraid of making things worse. We usually do mean well (unless the person in question is malignant to begin with), but our actions are often mistranslated, typically out of a lack of explanation or a biased interpretation based on some unintended consequences of our actions.

A lot of this happens because we don't know how to read the other person's actions and body language. I've learned that if someone seems really tense when they are around you, or responds to you with one-word answers, then they probably want nothing to do with you. I've learned to take these little actions and multiply them by a large number - this is probably how the other person is feeling. If any enthusiasum is shown, then they truly do appreciate you a whole lot, but if any negativity is expressed then the opposite is true, if only for the meanwhile. If this behavior continues then their actions are most likely reflective of their general opinion of you.

As for responding to these situations: it is difficult to face people like this, but it is generally best to avoid them, if you can, or to take actions in avoiding them. Why waste your time trying to impress a person who doesn't care? There are better things to focus your energy on.

If this person is important to you, like a family member, friend or roommate, then it is best to talk things out. Don't start with any accusations, but starting the conversation with things like, "you seem upset, am I doing anything that is upsetting you?" or "Is everything all right? You don't seem like yourself." are good ways to work through any issues the two of you may have. It's important to speak with a calm vocal tone in order to avoid communicating any of the frustration you see in the other person - you are doing this because you care about them, and you want things to be decent again. The conversation should be constructive and not demeaning in any way. If it takes a negative turn, such as the two of you are spitting out accusations about one another, then you should say something like, "I don't want it to be this way", or suggest that the two of you take some time to cool down. Show the other person that you care and that you want to work things out. If you can do this, then there is a good chance that the discussion won't turn into a deadly fight.

I'm just writing this because, in my experience in dealing with people (most of which has ocurred in the past year), it's one of the biggest things I've had to learn. Assertiveness is key, and it's important NOT to be too passive, which is something I really need to work on as well. If a problem is really bothering you, it is best to bring it up with the other person/people involved, because you may be itching for that one conclusion which will help clear your head. And as we all know, clarity is a beautiful thing. If you learn to assert yourself you will be much happier about your life. I know it's in vain, but if this post has helped SOMEONE then I will be happy. Let me know how you see it, or what your perspective on dealing with issues is!