The Good Things About Being Socially Awkward: Fewer Unwanted Interactions

One thing I don't like is how other people have been brainwashed by society. Granted, one of the main keys to a successful life is companionship. It may not be in the same form for everybody, and it is important to be respectful of this fact, but the relationships with the people we care about bring significance to our lives- Aspie or not.

The frustrating thing is, however, how people assume you are unhappy if you are not in a romantic relationship. I constantly have people question why I am not in a relationship. My response to them is always the same: I don't know why I'm not, but I don't need to be in one to be happy. I love my job, I love my family and friends, I graduated at the top of my class, and I have a lot to look forward to. I don't need a significant other to validate my existence.

One thing that I'm beginning to realize though, is that I may be asexual. I'm trying to grapple with this fact, and realize whether I'm actually asexual or if I just have an aversion to sexually-intended interactions. I tried telling this to a friend, and she immediately responded with, "no, you're not asexual". But I think I am. I don't crave sex, I just crave affection and companionship. I still have crushes, and I may be sexually active someday, but it won't be the end of the world if I'm not.

Because of this, and the fact that I've only had one boyfriend (I don't even know if it counts), I am very awkward around the opposite sex. I never know what to say, and at first I find it stressful, but then realize that it may be a blessing in disguise. Plus, it's not my fault if a guy only wants one thing, right? Once I realize his intentions, I immediately become cold. It's like a switch that turns off in my head. If I see a guy glancing at my chest, staring at me too much and smiling excessively, or using a bad pick-up line, I become uncomfortable and distance myself. I look down, close myself off, and begin responding with short, flat sentences. This is like a reflex that I have no control over. In a few minutes the guy gets the message and backs off.

Some people may be frustrated by this, but I feel like it's a blessing in disguise. Granted, it's made me extremely uncomfortable around men, but I feel lucky. I don't need to worry about birth control. As of now, it is also impossible for me to get knocked up or contract an STD. I say "as of now" because, who knows? I may want sex in the future, I just don't right now. But let me tell you, it's such a load off. I used to know a girl who would have a panic attack every week about how she thought she was pregnant. I also know people who have had children far too early in life that were "mistakes". I may be jumping ahead of myself here, but it's nice to not have to worry about that happening to me.

Also, being socially awkward will help protect me against unwanted sexual situations. Granted, if a person wants to rape then they will, but in my case some of the interactions leading up to that point are virtually nonexistent. Of course, protecting yourself and being educated are extremely important, I'm not lessening the significance of this. I'm just stating that awkwardness can serve as a barrier from unwanted interactions, which can be a wonderful thing.

I know some people will tell me that I'm missing out on a lot by not dating, but let me tell you, I just don't care. I don't feel like I'm missing out on much. Does that mean that I will never be sexually active? Maybe, maybe not. I'm not closed off to the idea in the future, but I just don't want it right now. Do I question my intentions constantly? Absolutely. Nothing is definite, things can change. All I know is that as far as I can tell, my standoffishness protects me from unwanted situations. At least, it has thus far, and this is something that I am very fortunate for.

So, regardless of what people tell you, it is okay to be awkward! It can even be a good thing. Embrace it! However, as an extra method of protection it is important to be educated. Here are some links that are useful:

Scarleteen

Planned Parenthood

S0, read up, and be aware of interactions. Respect yourselves, do your best to understand what you need, and if something unfortunate does happen, then don't be afraid to talk about it. And if you get in an unwanted interaction, then don't be afraid to move into awkward mode. Hell, if you really don't want to talk, then just throw 'em the face!

Ridiculous, but same idea. Enjoy, and love yourselves!

Awkward Non-Aspies, Part II

In continuation with a recent post, Don't Forget, I've decided to revisit the theme of neurotypical people with awkward or strange tendencies.

Miranda

Miranda is a girl I've known since we were toddlers. Our mothers are best friends, so it was expected that we would be, as well. Miranda is a few months older than me, and I remember her house was like a second home to me growing up. Miranda's mother is a wonderful person, very warm and welcoming- she would give up everything for the sake of your comfort. When we were moving they opened up their house to us for a good part of a summer. With such a nice family, I wonder where Miranda's bitter disposition came from.

I remember playing Power Rangers with her and her brother, and I was always shafted - though I wanted to be the Pink Ranger, Miranda always insisted on being the Pink Ranger, while I was the Yellow Ranger. Nothing against the Yellow Ranger (she was pretty awesome), but any diplomatic friend would have happily taken turns.

There's one perfect word to describe Miranda: she's cold. In all of the time I've spent with her, I could never read her emotions. Strikingly beautiful, everything about her was sharp, like ice. Her speech inflection could cut around jagged corners and poke someone's eye out. Though I was isolated in a mental bubble due to my Asperger's, my presence was very warm and soft. Even as a child I was told I had a meditative, zen-like presence.

So out of convenience, I spent a lot of time at Miranda's house growing up. She was never the type of person you could just "hang out" with - we'd always have the TV on, or we'd be playing video games. There would be some outside distraction to build a wall between us. That was fine with me. I always liked going over her house because her mom would give me all the junk food my parents wouldn't let me eat. I remember happily filling up on sugar over there - I think this is why I now have an insatiable sweet tooth.

Still, the TV couldn't create a wall between us forever. Little by little I became aware of Miranda's personality. I could never understand her sarcasm, and she'd roll her eyes at me when I was confused. She'd respond to my clueless comments with snappy retorts, and of course this confused me. I know now that her mother had told her about my Asperger's, but Miranda didn't seem to be willing to give me a chance.

I did many extracurriculur activities with Miranda while we were growing up - Girl Scouts, Ballet, Soccer, Theater Camp. In our spare time there would be many awkward pauses in conversation with her. Though at the time, I hadn't mastered the art of non-awkward conversation (and I still have a long way to go), I didn't have that hard of a time making friends. I did manage to gain superficial friendships with a few bubbly theatre geeks - that type of friendship is one I could handle just fine. But when society forced kids into cliques, I had trouble.

The summer before my Sophomore year of high school, we were at that same theatre camp, and Miranda and I found ourselves friends with a group of girls. There were five of us, and my naivete was overwhelmed by their uninhibited cattiness. Our group even had a name, that's how bad it was. They would talk about other kids behind their backs. There was a group of kids who were decidedly different - one boy who I later learned was also an aspie, a girl with a speech impediment, and one girl who was painfully shy. These girls were brutal to them. I didn't partake in making fun of these kids, but I didn't defend them either. I regret this.

I remember being upset by the way the girls were treating the other kids. Even though I was friends with a few of the kids that my so-called "friends" made fun of, I felt a distinct separation between us because I was "in". This was the exact mentality that I hated - I remember being on the other side at my public school, I was the one being bullied! What sort of messed-up world is this?

In time, things came between us. I had started dating one of her friends from her school, Miranda got upset, and even after her friend and I broke up (it was short-lived, anyway), she continued to ignore me, and wouldn't respond to my efforts at being friendly. Though this was easy to ignore since I had moved to another town, it was frustrating. What was so different about Miranda? There was just something I couldn't put my finger on. Her friendships with people at school revolved around obnoxious jokes and loudness, while mine revolved around shared interests. She had found a close group of friends from her school, and though I was acquainted with some of them and welcome to hang out with them, I still felt largely out of place.

We ended up growing apart, but it isn't something I regret. We'd occasionally talk throughout college, but Miranda remained her flat, emotionless self. To this day I have no clue if Miranda was consciously mean, or if she was just lacking emotion and warmth. Hell, I couldn't even tell if she was just cold or if I was turning her away with my awkwardness. Regardless of the cause of our drift, I am now aware of the type of person I get along with, and growing up with Miranda has helped me realize what traits that person has.

While I wish Miranda happiness, she isn't someone I will be turning to in times of distress. I have much warmer and more deserving friends for that. That's just life.

Aspies in the Media: Mary and Max

The other night I finally got around to watching this movie... Mary and Max, a 2009 Claymation Film directed by Adam Elliot. I'd been meaning to see this movie forever because of the Aspie protagonist, but I hadn't gotten a chance, until now. And I'm happy I did.

The movie is about a young Australian girl, Mary Dinkle, who is unhappy with the state of her life - she has a neglectful father and an alcoholic, kleptomaniac mother who tells her that she was a "mistake". She is insecure about her appearance and is very lonely. Hoping to make a new friend, she pulls the name Max Horowitz out of a phone book at the post office. It is listed that he lives in New York City, so she writes a letter to him asking about life in America, explaining how she wants a friend.

Max responds, explaining the state of his life. He is an obese older man who is sensitive to stimuli, is confused by social cues, and lives a quiet, controlled life with his goldfish Henry and his chocolate hot dogs. He doesn't have any friends, and writes to Mary that he is glad she is his friend.

While the movie progresses, more letters are exchanged, and we learn more about both Mary and Max. In one scene where Mary asks Max about how to talk to a boy she likes, Max has a meltdown, is institutionalized for many months, and it is revealed that he has Asperger's Syndrome. He expresses frustration that his psychiatrist feels sorry for him, and that he wants to "cure" him. Max expresses the belief that Asperger's is just one way of defining who he is, and that it is not a disease or disorder.

This movie is wonderful because it shows the importance of friendship and connection, even by society's so-called "freaks". While parts of this film are very depressing, the film itself has a beautiful message of connection and friendship. The visuals are very well done - Max's world is gray, Mary's is beige, and they are connected by little pieces of red. Max's bluntless and Mary's silly questions make this an enjoyable and amusing film, combining black humor and a bittersweet story to make for a flawless, rich experience that I'm sure everyone will be able to connect to. Mary and Max is certainly a must-see.

Here is a trailer:

Enjoy!

Rex, the Musical Savant

This is a wonderful story of how an individual's strengths can more than make up for their shortcomings. Compassion and patience are the building blocks of success. Who's to say that Rex is impaired?

I believe Rex will discover a rich future full of beautiful, original music. He will be able to find his way through the world through texture and noise. When you can perceive so much, the areas in which you are lacking don't really matter. I wish Rex and his mother all the love and happiness in the world.

QuickCues and other Mobile Apps for ASD's

The Non-profit organization Fraser has produced QuickCues, a mobile app which helps to provide cue cards for those on the Autism Spectrum. Here is a demo video:

I don't know much about this app other than what is shown in the demo video, but it seems like a wonderful idea. With all of the technological advances taking place, why not take advantage of this?

In middle and high school, my aide encouraged me to write down hints for communicating in a notebook. I simply wrote down the names of my peers and a thing or two I could discuss with them, something simple like music, tv shows, or a sport we played together.

The only issue with this is its inconvenience, and visibility. I remember in my sophomore year, a "friend" (read: mean-spirited acquaintance) was going through my notebook, and came across my page of conversation starters. Her eyes started darting intently across the page, as it wasn't the usual doodle-filled chemistry notes; she asked, "what's this?" I turned bright red and grabbed it back immediately. I told her that it helped me figure out what to say to other people, trying not to make a big deal out of it. For a second I felt like a complete stalker, tracking the actions and interests of my peers. I stopped carrying around visual cues after that.

Though there is a useful aspect in writing down things to help remember them, it just gets inconvenient at times. Flash cards take up space, are cumbersome, get dirty easily, and could easily reveal your differences. An app like this, or even a word document on your phone with reminders, is discreet and private. If you don't want such an app to be revealed, a vague title like "QuickCues" can be written off as a general study guide - also, it doesn't hurt that iPhones and iPods can be password protected. You can give yourself as little or as much security as you feel is necessary.

This app is $4.99. Though I personally feel I wouldn't want to spend so much money on it (I'm a cheapskate), I think Fraser is providing an important service and such an app would be worth investing in for a lot of people. If you don't want to spend the money, you could probably create flashcards, or a word document with text from an online guide - it would be free, but with a similar idea.

I hope this app becomes available for more devices, and not just the Apple devices. You don't even need an iPhone to use it. Though I don't have this app, I've found my iPod Touch indispensable. Along with all my music, it has relaxation sounds, Theta and Beta waves (also for relaxation), some photos, games, books, my calendar, and the small internet browser doesn't hurt either. I've written papers on it, and even a few of these blog entries! It's nice because I can carry a lot with me in such a compact package. If you don't want to spend the money on an iPod Touch, I'd reconsider - there are some less expensive models out, and they can be purchased on different websites for even less! I got my iPod on eBay and saved about $80 off of Apple's price.

Sorry, I just sounded like I'm pitching a product! Haha. But seriously, this is a great idea. Would you use an app like this? Why or why not? Do you know of any similar ones? I want to hear about them! Maybe we could start a list. So show me what you've got!

Aspies and Cats

My cat does this thing when he's happy where he'll curl his front paws in and out. It reminds me of a stimming thing, as I do this with my toes too.

He also is very sensitive to noise. He'll run away when my mom drops something on accident, and if I stomp too loudly. He's afraid of the dishwasher, as well as my guitar. If he hears something noisy, he'll run away in panic.

He's terrified of new people. The only people he lets close to him are my immediate family and a few quiet, gentle friends. With us he is very loving and affectionate, but if we ever have a lot of people over, he'll hide, shaking under my mom's bed.

His motor skills aren't very good, either - he can't run in a small circle - he can only run in large, clumsy ones. He is constantly invading my other cat's personal space as well - he's socially awkward, like me.

My kitty and I have a lot in common. Sometimes I wonder if he's an aspie too.

Whether he is or not, though, we make a good team, and I'm happy to have someone in my life as eccentric as I am (even if he's a cat).

Don't Forget

Non-Aspies have awkward moments too!

I know a lot of people who tend to say or do things that make another person uncomfortable. This will happen completely on accident. There are different types of these:

The people who lack a sensor: My friend Emma is completely inappropriate, but so adorable and hilarious that you really don't care. She loves to slap her friend's asses, or give "boob kisses", and a typical comment from her will be (if your shirt is wet), "aww, you look like you're lactating!" (meant affectionately, mind you.)

When I first met Emma, I was completely taken aback by her bluntness, but then realized that some of the unspoken social rules in our society don't make sense. Plus, spending time with her is exciting - it's refreshing to drop all of the filters you are used to accumulating in everyday interactions. It's nice to have a friend who regularly challenges these rules, whether she realizes it or not!

The people who lack boundaries: two of my roommates started cleaning my room when I wasn't home and a potential subletter was coming over that night. Neither of them are on the Autism Spectrum. All I did was politely explain to them that it was an invasion of personal space, and to either wait for me or let me know if they feel compelled to do this in the future.

While their actions did make me uncomfortable, it made me realize: non-aspies mess up too. Social awkwardness is universal. Who cares?

A person's unique disposition: I have a classmate, Ashley, who is not like other girls I know. As far as I know she doesn't have Asperger's, but her personality is very unique when compared to the rest of my peers. She is very mellow, has a smooth-sounding voice, and always appears very relaxed. Almost every statement she makes ends with a laugh (amused? uncomfortable? I can't really tell.) and a sigh. There are occasionally awkward pauses in conversation with her, but when spending time with her I generally feel like I am in good company, as she is very pleasant to be around.

A number of my peers have attempted to explain Ashley's eccentricities. Some have stated that it's based on her geographic origin, as the majority of us are local, and our city is notorious for being obnoxious, uptight, and constantly stressed.

I don't know why Ashley is so unique, but it's nice to see someone who is so pleasantly calm all the time. I once had a conversation with her about being a design student, and the stresses that go along with it. She told me, "I've never had to think so much about things as I have this year." - followed by her trademark laugh and sigh, of course. I understood how she felt completely - could it be anxiety, general stress? Who knows?

The fact is, as much as we like to pretend, no one has everything together. Other people also question things constantly, and worry a lot. Though my psychiatrist likes to attribute this trait of mine to having Asperger's, I attribute it to being an American. We're stressed people! It's really an issue if everyone from a culture feels this way. I think we should work on trying to fix the culture from the inside and not the individuals.

There are other people like us: My friend Bobby is one in a million. I also think he has Asperger's, but I don't tend to dwell on this possibility - we are all unique, after all. Another friend described him as a "friendly floater" - he is acquaintances with everyone, but is not particularly close with any one group of people. Whether he realizes it or not, he is defying our culture's basis for social standards, which I think is really awesome.

Bobby is the master of the calm, one-sided speech. He loves to talk. He has a really great baritone-esque voice- he would make a great voice actor - but he will talk nonstop about the most random things. He tends to have some awkward pauses here and there, and conversations with him don't tend to follow the typical vapid quality that I experience with most friends in passing (where the person acts like they care, but they really don't). Unfortunately, a lot of people are uncomfortable around Bobby, just because his presence makes you question our society's social rules. Lame, right?

The thing about Bobby, though, is that he is one of the most genuine people I know. He spends all of his time doing community service, helping people, giving without any expectation of his thoughtfulness being returned. He loves to bake food for all of his friends, and I feel like other people take his big heart for granted. He is very trusting, probably too trusting - I feel like he is very easily manipuated.

While it would be beneficial for him to learn to read people better, I think that it is nice to see that not all people are robots of one another, and that not all people try to be like everyone else. People like Bobby are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise clone-like society. I just hope that being aware of his presence will allow others to embrace their own eccentricities.

Moral of the story? NOT ALL AWKWARD PEOPLE ARE ASPIES. We are not the trademark of eccentric. Other people exist who are equally unique. Non-Aspies question social rules and feel as if they are awkward, too. The fact that people like this exist make me feel relieved.

Stay unique, everyone.