Roommates

I knew this was bound to come up. The dreaded roommate discussion.

I've had a long history of bad roommates. I remember taking a summer program with one girl who accused me of breaking her computer, stealing her food (both of which I didn't do), and  subsequently put a "DON'T TOUCH MY SHIT" sign on the refrigerator (what a mature way of dealing with things!), and whined about me to all her friends. I'm glad that summer ended when it did. 

A few years later, it was my first year of college, and I was stuck with the coldest girl I'd ever met. No matter my efforts to be friendly, she was very rude - she even made nasty comments to me regarding my religious upbringing, and got angry at me when I confronted her about her snoring. I wish I'd left that situation early on and moved out - though I probably wasn't the best roommate either, clearly we weren't a good fit, and if your home base isn't relaxing, then what is? It's stressful knowing that the one place where you're supposed to recuperate is designed to make your life a living hell. 

As much as I wanted to share a room with others, I soon learned that I couldn't - I'm the type of person who needs plenty of alone time to recover from everyday interactions. It also doesn't help knowing that my positive interactions are with people I hardly ever see, since I run out of things to say very quickly, and if I spend too much time with a person my awkwardness probably makes them very uncomfortable. In summary, if I don't get at least a few hours of alone time a day I become miserable and can hardly function. I'm the perfect candidate for a single, and that's okay. It means your belongings are in the exact same place as you left them, also that your roommate won't leave the TV on all night. It means you won't be sexiled from your room, either. 

Enter sophomore year. I opted for a single within an apartment-style suite, shared with three other girls. It was wonderful because we all had our personal space, but would see each other when we didn't want to be alone. The other girls were very easygoing, and if a concern came up we'd deal with it immediately, in an appropriate manner. We also took care of one another when something difficult came up. 

We weren't best friends, but then I learned that we didn't have to be. The only requirement for living with roommates is that you get along, and are able to tolerate each other's weird living habits. It was a very relaxing environment and I had no problem leaving my room. Though there were always people socializing in my living room, I could go lie down in my bedroom and relax by myself, and it would be okay. These are the way things ought to be. 

In summary, here's what I'd recommend: If you're out all the time, and use your room merely as a place to store clothes, then it shouldn't matter if you have a roommate. If you require a lot of alone time, then it may be more peaceful if you don't have to deal with fulfilling another person's needs. 

If you're worried about making friends your first year of college while having a single, then hear this: you're probably going to be living on a floor with a number of other students. It's perfectly appropriate to spontaneously knock on others' doors just to introduce yourself, and there will be plenty of events where you can get to know people and make new friends. Some of this should be built into orientation as well. It is exhausting, but if you don't retreat into your room for days at a time, I'm sure you'll be able to meet some people you like.  

Putting on a disguise

I've just been noticing this strange phenomenon within myself: I think I have some sort of facial blindness, except it pertains to just me. I often forget what I look like, and am surprised when others recognize me.

Whenever I go out in public, I'll put on a pair of sunglasses. Since they shield my eyes from the world, I feel like they create a barrier between me and everyone else. In a huge city it's kind of a relief: I can finally take a break from awkward glances at people I don't know, and nasty stares from others for looking like a complete oddball.

At the same time, this often perplexes me: I'm surprised when my peers actually recognize me. A person is identified by their eyes, eyebrows, and bridge of the nose. Even when I try to cover up my identifying features, I still stand out, and appear only as myself. I'll only appear to be myself unless I think up some better disguise, so I can give myself a break from the stress of socializing.

Dating

Seeing as it's been a little while since I've posted, I've decided to discuss an issue that's been grating my mind lately. 

I'm now 20 years old, and the whole romantic world is something that is still completely foreign to me. Aside from the issue of intimacy (which I've discussed briefly here), I'm having a difficult time understanding the way in which relationships manifest themselves. So much happens when traveling from Point A, where you and the other person are mere acquaintances, to Point B, when something exclusive is going on - whether it be a relationship, friends with benefits, even something that neither of you will call a relationship but clearly displays an attraction to the other person alone, thereby displaying such exclusivity. A lot of signals are discreetly communicated, little body movements, eye contact, brain signals that are transferred into subtle twitches, signals which inform the individual whether they will make or break the night. 

So much goes on behind flirting that I have yet to learn. For years I thought that you'd gussy yourself up, smile at a boy, and BAM! You'd have yourself a boyfriend. Unfortunately, you hardly ever get anything merely by wanting it - you must put in an effort and send out the correct signals to the other person involved, and if those signals are well-received, then perhaps something lovely will spring to life. 

I'm learning that the right things must be said as well so the other person doesn't get turned off, and it all must be done in a timely manner before the guy you're interested in gets bored and moves on. I'm learning all of this the hard way, after all this time. It's been one of the hardest and most stressful things I've ever had to make myself aware of. We'll just say this past semester's been extremely difficult, haha.

I've also come to realize, though that the rules of appropriate flirting are something that everyone must learn. From what I've observed, they're generally acquired sometime around mid-adolescence, but there isn't really a time limit on when they can be learnt. I've been stressed out since a lot of my friends currently have boyfriends (not that this is a competition or anything), but I've noticed that even more of my friends are experiencing the same problems as I am. The nervous blushing that taints middle-schoolers' cheeks  when they see their crush walk down the hallway happens to students in college as well, causing us to stumble our words and make our brains rush through a premeditated list of insecurities regarding our foolishness for even trying. 

Where do nerves end? Confidence. As long as we are confident in our abilities to interact with others, with time, we will meet someone whom we are compatible with. This confidence may take years to acquire, but I have faith that with practice and self-esteem, anyone can get there. I'm not there yet, but hopefully I'll be able to build my confidence up. 

It's a difficult journey, but by paying attention to the right rules, I think it can be done. This applies to any goal you may be working towards, not even a relationship. Failure will happen as well, it's inevitable, but we must learn from our mistakes so we can grow. Hopefully I'll get there, as will everyone else out there. Self-confidence is one of the best things anyone can have, and something that everyone deserves. 

I don't know where I'm going with this. Sorry if I ramble a bit! Let's just get out there and work on it. 

Journal Excerpt 2/26/08

"...It would be so much easier if you could have ear plugs for your sense of touch. They obviously wouldn't go in your ears, but if you could somehow adjust how you physically feel when you are being touched then it would make life a whole lot easier. I would take advantage of such an opportunity in a heartbeat.

Unfortunately, such an idea is impossible. It is up to me alone to control such things. I hope it gets easier over time."

Last week.

In class, my teacher was reviewing some of our work, when she called me up and told me:

- "Pink, it's really amazing. When I demonstrate these techniques you appear very distracted - "

- "Yeah, I know, I space out a lot."

- "Yes, you do! But you know what's really amazing? In class you seem like you're in your own little world, but then you go home and do an excellent job on everything. I don't know how you do it."

- (to my own surprise) "...I guess it just happens..."

It's odd; I was never even aware of such a thing. I am very easily distracted, but I can follow directions exactly, and I remember very minute details I didn't even realize I was paying attention to at the time. 

I guess having a brain wired like this isn't such a bad thing. 

Epiphany.

I originally began this blog to help people step into the mind of someone with Asperger's Syndrome. I've been trying to promote neurodiversity, love, compassion, appreciation and self-respect. I've been trying to get out the message that everybody has a unique mind, and the Autism spectrum is just one tiny slice of the possible distinctions between every single mind out there. For those of you reading this, who are taking in my message, thank you.

However, I really shouldn't be keeping a blog in the first place. I'm just a random young woman who happens to fit into the specific diagnostic criteria for a condition that some people happen to have. I look exactly like every other 20 year old girl on the street, with the same interests and a similar mindset; I'm yet another pawn in the ever-changing army of pop culture, abiding to modern trends in order to not stand out like a sore thumb. I have no clue how my ideas could possibly be that different from anyone else's. Though I'm technically an adult, I still feel like I have a lot of growing up to do, and I have not seen nearly enough of life yet to be preaching ideas which I can hardly grasp myself.

I will still write in here, but I think I'm going to change my focus. I'm going to talk more about my daily interactions and things I'm learning instead of this one-sided preachy bullshit. Because brainwashing is what we're trying to fight, right? Conformity is both a best friend and an enemy, so I want to figure out ways to both embrace it while still remaining the same unique, brilliant individuals with savant-like grasps on subjects the rest of society is unable to focus on.

I'll admit it: my contact with fellow Aspies and Auties is fairly limited, but those I have met are very talented writers, artists, mathematicians, philosophers and thinkers. I'm still amazed by the ambition and devotion these friends of mine place into their field of work, and have no doubt that it will lead them to great happiness and fulfillment, no matter their unique path in getting there.

As my peers and I grow up (imagine the thought), we will learn new things, and maybe uncover something implausibly fantastic. But until then, we need to figure out what life really is.

An Update

I just wanted to take a quick second to update you guys (or whomever actually reads this blog) with how I'm doing. 

I've always had constant fatigue and headaches, and my doctor has been trying to figure out what the cause is. We've ruled out anemia, sinus problems, diabetes, kidney and liver problems, thyroid problems... basically any physical problem. I even found out that it's not lyme disease, which I had previously been tested positive for and subsequently had to take a slew of antibiotics for a few weeks afterwards (it's okay; a false diagnosis is common with lyme disease.). Kind of a pain in the ass, you know?

Well, after my doctor's appointment today, we've concluded that it's most likely something related to my ever-present anxiety. I've always known I've been an anxious person, but I never knew my nerves could drain me of my energy and overwhelm me to that extent. It's all starting to make sense now. Feeling that much tension all the time can be exhausting. I guess I am being completely overloaded with emotions and am in response draining myself. I'm glad it's being figured out now.

If you're feeling tired or fatigued, you shouldn't just learn to accept it - I'd check your symptoms and see if something could actually be wrong. Don't worry about getting treatment for anything either - that's the first step. Hopefully, now that I'm on the right path, I should begin to feel better soon! Nobody should constantly feel like crap - let's do something about it.