Last week.

In class, my teacher was reviewing some of our work, when she called me up and told me:

- "Pink, it's really amazing. When I demonstrate these techniques you appear very distracted - "

- "Yeah, I know, I space out a lot."

- "Yes, you do! But you know what's really amazing? In class you seem like you're in your own little world, but then you go home and do an excellent job on everything. I don't know how you do it."

- (to my own surprise) "...I guess it just happens..."

It's odd; I was never even aware of such a thing. I am very easily distracted, but I can follow directions exactly, and I remember very minute details I didn't even realize I was paying attention to at the time. 

I guess having a brain wired like this isn't such a bad thing. 

Epiphany.

I originally began this blog to help people step into the mind of someone with Asperger's Syndrome. I've been trying to promote neurodiversity, love, compassion, appreciation and self-respect. I've been trying to get out the message that everybody has a unique mind, and the Autism spectrum is just one tiny slice of the possible distinctions between every single mind out there. For those of you reading this, who are taking in my message, thank you.

However, I really shouldn't be keeping a blog in the first place. I'm just a random young woman who happens to fit into the specific diagnostic criteria for a condition that some people happen to have. I look exactly like every other 20 year old girl on the street, with the same interests and a similar mindset; I'm yet another pawn in the ever-changing army of pop culture, abiding to modern trends in order to not stand out like a sore thumb. I have no clue how my ideas could possibly be that different from anyone else's. Though I'm technically an adult, I still feel like I have a lot of growing up to do, and I have not seen nearly enough of life yet to be preaching ideas which I can hardly grasp myself.

I will still write in here, but I think I'm going to change my focus. I'm going to talk more about my daily interactions and things I'm learning instead of this one-sided preachy bullshit. Because brainwashing is what we're trying to fight, right? Conformity is both a best friend and an enemy, so I want to figure out ways to both embrace it while still remaining the same unique, brilliant individuals with savant-like grasps on subjects the rest of society is unable to focus on.

I'll admit it: my contact with fellow Aspies and Auties is fairly limited, but those I have met are very talented writers, artists, mathematicians, philosophers and thinkers. I'm still amazed by the ambition and devotion these friends of mine place into their field of work, and have no doubt that it will lead them to great happiness and fulfillment, no matter their unique path in getting there.

As my peers and I grow up (imagine the thought), we will learn new things, and maybe uncover something implausibly fantastic. But until then, we need to figure out what life really is.

An Update

I just wanted to take a quick second to update you guys (or whomever actually reads this blog) with how I'm doing. 

I've always had constant fatigue and headaches, and my doctor has been trying to figure out what the cause is. We've ruled out anemia, sinus problems, diabetes, kidney and liver problems, thyroid problems... basically any physical problem. I even found out that it's not lyme disease, which I had previously been tested positive for and subsequently had to take a slew of antibiotics for a few weeks afterwards (it's okay; a false diagnosis is common with lyme disease.). Kind of a pain in the ass, you know?

Well, after my doctor's appointment today, we've concluded that it's most likely something related to my ever-present anxiety. I've always known I've been an anxious person, but I never knew my nerves could drain me of my energy and overwhelm me to that extent. It's all starting to make sense now. Feeling that much tension all the time can be exhausting. I guess I am being completely overloaded with emotions and am in response draining myself. I'm glad it's being figured out now.

If you're feeling tired or fatigued, you shouldn't just learn to accept it - I'd check your symptoms and see if something could actually be wrong. Don't worry about getting treatment for anything either - that's the first step. Hopefully, now that I'm on the right path, I should begin to feel better soon! Nobody should constantly feel like crap - let's do something about it.

The Way of the Aspie

Asperger's seems to be an issue of adaptation. We have trouble adjusting to new things, learning new social rules. We can't handle surprises or spur-of-the-moment things. Apart from seeing the world differently, I think a great deal of our awkwardness comes from discomfort in unfamiliar situations. 

You know what? That's okay. If we stick to the familiar, or work to decode the unknown, then we will be okay. This is the main thing that we have to deal with, and we will have to deal with it constantly, but it's good to know that things do get easier.

What's actually important.

Today I ran into a classmate, and we spent a few hours talking - about everything. Oddly enough, it wasn't awkward at all. I usually have a hard time holding conversations with people, but she was so easy to talk to, not to mention a really interesting person. I love learning new things about people because they're so interesting to begin with, and when you try to hide those interesting points to give off a certain impression, you are, in a way, cheating yourself out of the connections and experiences you could be having. At least, that's how I feel. 

Moments like these are what help me remember that social standards don't really apply. Don't get me wrong; they do in the sense of showing you're engaged in conversation and by not offending the other person, but you really shouldn't be trying to appear flawless. You don't need to be molded into the perfect human being to get by - if you meet individuals whom you really connect with, then those friendships turn into something special. Those friendships may be limited in quantity, but it shouldn't matter how many friends you have anyway. 

Also, socializing seems so superficial. I'm referring to large parties, clubs, and anywhere cliques may roam. These instances are more for show than anything, and they completely demolish the concept behind having friends in the first place.  

There is no wrong way to go about making friends, unless it involves hurting somebody. And if you have just one friend, as long as that relationship makes you happy, then that is what really  matters.

Please pardon my philosophical tangents.

I've always thought of humanity as being in a transitional stage - the people we aren't now, we will one day become. Just like cultural trends, people also change.

For once, I'm questioning this, because in the short, insignificant amount of time I've been alive, I don't think I've really witnessed enough evidence to find the above statement true.

If somebody is frustruating me, a friend will often say something along the lines of "give it time, he/she will come around." The question though, is, will they? Does the average person really transform that much? I feel like I've transformed more than most, because I've had to acommodate for my own limitations, but do most other people experience the same thing? 

Or, and I know this is sad: do people continue to go about their ways, blind to how they are affecting those around them, potentially hurting many loved ones along the way while only acknowledging their own needs?

What I think I'm trying to ask here is, what are the limitations of change?

Reading Body Language: Cosmo

I know this may sound a bit cliche, but the Cosmopolitan website is the best thing that ever happened to me. A large portion of the articles (endless number, by the way!) are targeted at reading body language and the rules of appropriate conversation in various situations, which is great for anybody who needs a little help in those areas. It presents a lot of those rules which are common sense to most people, but I think it could help Aspies as well - even those who don't fit into the magazine's demographic.

Though it is biased towards western culture, the rules aren't too specific, so I'm sure many people can get something out of these articles.

I thought I'd point it out here, because since a friend pointed it out to me, I've been picking up on so many new social cues that I had previously been blind to. There's still so much more to learn, but this is a nice start.